no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

Happiness is queasy.

Yesterday waxpumpkin and i were talking about how there's always something to be Sad about, and also always something to be Happy about. Choosing to be Sad or Happy is, therefore, a Choice.

I think during most of my life I chose to be sad so often that it got to be a learned response. I always remember the guy who preached positive thinking to me for a couple years of...whatever we had, strong friendship i guess (we both didn't like the idea of "relationship" for different reasons). And then he left me with no warning, word or explanation, and I had to use whatever positive energy I'd managed to cobble together to get over him enough to keep on going. Oh, the ironinnyty.

Stuff like that (not to mention the jerk from a few years ago whose name I don't think I need to mention cuz enough of you have heard way too much about that already) makes me think People are a very bad basis for happiness. Unless they're rock-steady-not-going-anywhere-else like Ted, my 'rents and my boss (and those are about the ONLY rock steady people I've known in my whole life), they can pull the rug out from under you and leave you with the loss any ol' time. Even if they are rock-steady, they can and do die. You can spend years of your life being sad, missing people. These days I am missing Dead Guy a LOT. I missed him even before he was dead, because it was apparent that there was no way to fix things so we could be friendly again. I was just sort of starting to grapple with the fact that the guy---a shadow of himself, not really the person I knew anymore---might be "around" on the fringes of my life on a semi-regular basis, when he clocked out. I appreciate the efforts he's made to be "around" since then but I also understand that that is not a steady thing. The things I miss most about him are his enthusiasm and our shared sense of humor--about twice a week I see some dorky toy or funny sign that I know he would laugh at just as much as me, and he's not there to share that with me, and it makes me sad. When I get real down on myself for some shortcoming real or imagined, usually something I am blowing way out of proportion to beat up on myself over, I remember how he used to say, "You're just a person," meaning that I was allowed to have feelings and didn't have to be perfect all the time. Oh, and the way he used to say, when I (or his band) was all worried about someone else's opinion or how something would go over with outside people, "You know what? Fuck 'em!!"

I truly think if more people truly followed those words, we would all be more real, and the world would be a better, more honest, more confident place. But anyway.

There have been other people I thought I missed, but when I revisited the situations I found that there was nothing to miss there and in at least one case I seriously wonder what, besides looks (that faded bigtime with time), I ever saw in the person in the first place. No, I know what it was. That was someone who initially reminded me of my dad. He turned out to have all my dad's WORST qualities, plus a few traits that my dad never had in a million years. Initial impressions can be deceiving.

But anyway, Reasons to be Cheerful! 1-2-3!

I'll never be one of those saps who slaps a happy face on everything and "avoids negativity". I know quite a few people like that too, mostly women, and for the most part they're a bunch of liars and hiders and fakers. Women are trained by this culture to hide what they feel, so that's not surprising. No, if I feel like being negative, I'll be negative, dammit. If I feel like being enraged, I'll be enraged. If I feel like holding a grudge, I'm gonna do that until I'm damn good and ready to stop. I might eventually stop, but it'll be on my own clock and not because everybody else is telling me how much healthier it is to let anger go. I'm not into doing what I'm told, unless I'm getting paid for it, yanno.

But maybe I can choose to be happy. I was a happy child, before puberty set in, even though I got made fun of for being fat, even though I didn't get all the toys I wanted and got yelled at by my mother sometimes for no reason. I was still generally and genuinely Happy. All my kiddie pictures show me smiling and in school the other kids sometimes made fun of me for smiling so MUCH. So I know how, on some level. You get old and forget how to get there though, and having people fuss at you for feeling genuinely sad or genuinely lonely or genuinely angry does not help you be any happier, it just makes you shut down.

Hmm this is the week for Buddha journal concepts I think. I have T-shirts to pack up...later.
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