no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,
no.
roses_rejoice

Syllabusted.

This year I have discovered that I am prone to mild depression, moderate to severe anxiety, and moodswings, and it's all mostly based on what I am or am not eating or drinking, with a little hormonal component thrown in.

Wow, the earth is ROUND! No shit, Sherlock? Yeah, I know that particular "discovery" is a real "well duh." And it's not so much like I wasn't aware of it in the back of my mind for years. I just didn't know what to do about it, and it was often too scary to think about---Anyone who ever bought into anything our culture ever said about people's eating or weight is bound to feel scared, and the only way I got over that was to literally NOT THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL FOR MANY YEARS and train myself out of the emotional baggage---and on top of that I had a lot of externally upsetting things to blame my moods and suchlike upon. I'm not saying those things weren't upsetting in and of themselves, but it's only when the vast majority of disturbing Stuff---including disturbing Jobs, disturbing Deaths, disturbing Losses, and of course disturbing People---gets cleared away, and you're STILL waking up in the morning and immediately starting to worry that someone will die or go away or the house will burn to the ground or you'll be miserable for life or you'll never lose weight/get the checkbook balanced/move where you want to move et cetera, that you begin to realize something is biochemically slightly askew. Because you have Nothing and No one else to blame it on. I am not one to Reach for a pill (not anymore, anyway, many years ago I used to spend the whole day taking so much OTC pain reliever it's a wonder my stomach lining didn't rot...for all the knots my stomach gets in, it must be more cast iron than I give it credit for) Or go to a shrink (engineers don't see shrinks, they see bartenders), and there don't seem to be any 12-step programs that really fit me, so I've been fixing it myself. I do feel better and when I don't feel good, I feel like I have more control over MAKING myself feel better than I used to.

It is interesting to experience Life with Disturbances Largely Removed, although that of course makes me worry slightly about when they might come back.

P.S. Jewelry class starts the end of June instead of the end of May. I am impatient, but I am so busy right now that I know it will be better then.
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