no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

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I read someplace the other week, I forget where (nb: if it was from someone's journal please don't take this post to heart as I really cannot remember where I read it), a statement to the effect that exes are not the best judges of the relative health of their previous SO's new relationships. My first reaction was, "well, duh." Considering that exes are usually exes for a good reason, such as being stupid idiots (my experience anyway), I wouldn't trust the vast majority of them to judge a pet earthworm contest, let alone a relationship. I suppose there are people who have that whole friendly-with-exes thang going on that I was never able to make work --- Not sure if this is due to a lack in myself or if I was just unlucky enough to pick all exes who favor screaming fits, lengthy silences, pompous or assholy behavior etc. and thus do not make for buddy material --- maybe people who don't have this "problem" can get some mileage as friends out of the whole situation.

I was thinking about this a little more this morning and decided that if you take "health" as meaning "how well two people are getting along, how happy someone is, etc." then my reaction is still the same well-duh. But if you take "health" as meaning "healthy for people in a general sense" this opens up a whole new can of fish. Everybody has their own ideas about what constitutes a "healthy" relationship. Some people need a lot of communication, others would rather just communicate about the essentials and have a lot be understood. Some people are into all that monogamy/ownership/behavior-control business, and others (like myself) just find that anathema. I know I met a lot of people who had some stupid idea they were going to meet a perfect person, get married, settle down and live in a little house, pop kids ASAP and spend the rest of their life playing Happy Family. I don't have to tell you how stupid, boring, and yes even to some extent sick and disgusting I found that idea. Yes, I said "sick and disgusting". FROM MY PERSPECTIVE. I know for a lot of people this might be the most wonderful, healthy experience one could possibly imagine; for me it isn't. It's sort of like diet: we can all agree on some basic precepts. You need certain vitamins and minerals in your diet to be healthy. You also need a partner who doesn't slap you around every time they have a bad day at the office to be healthy. But a lot of other things are up for grabs as far as "health" is concerned.

I have some very clear ideas of what I need for my health, diet-wise and relationship-wise. Both issues are open to some tweaking, but some basic concepts are established. I cannot be a vegetarian; I also cannot be with anyone who interferes with my basic independence. I need to drink a lot of water; I also need to be with someone who is relaxed about financial matters, who isn't constantly having a control fit over every expenditure or worrying in every other breath about where the next paycheck is coming from and what if it doesn't arrive. And so on. I tend to see other relationships that do not meet my criteria as "sick" or if you prefer, "unhealthy" in the same way I would go ewwwwww at a meal that I know would make me sick if I ate it. Many other people might be able to chow down on whatever it is, let's say Thai peanut sauce, or tea n' scones, and not be sick. I know I would be throwing up within three bites or at the very most, within an hour of consumption. So for me, yeah it is sickening. This doesn't make me the all-powerful arbiter of Thai peanut sauce, or people whose spouses insist on frugality, but it does mean that I do perceive these things as very unhealthy and I'm not likely to change my mind. People who don't agree are free to ignore me. It doesn't make my perception invalid as applied to myself. Therefore, I will cheerfully continue to think that most of my exes' relationships are rather vile, in keeping with the (narcissistic haha) truth of my universe.
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