no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

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You say all you want is a partner. A forever partner. You say you want to give them everything. You make lists of what you want to give them, gifts and physical love and shared times, and it all sounds very wonderful, and many people are moved and gush and give you gold stars.
And I am immediately suspicious. Because if you were truly that wonderful and giving, you wouldn't be talking about it, or writing about it. You would have no problem finding someone to give all that to and share all that with. So something is wrong with this picture. Perhaps you already have someone who you are hiding, and this is a game you are playing to get the extra gold stars, to hear how wonderful you must be from a bunch of different gold mouths.
Or perhaps you don't have anyone. Because you forgot to mention that all these goodies you have to hand out aren't free. The special recipient must pass a test. Must pass many tests, beyond just being a nice person. Must meet certain criteria of attractiveness and behavior and giving of the right answers, knowledge of the Secret Code Words. Behind your surface niceness, you are the Sphinx, and most people flunk the riddle without even knowing it was a test.
If I ask a few questions I can often get at the heart of the matter. "Oh yes, there was someone. Once. Several someones in a row. We had problems...well actually, THEY had problems. Whatever happened, it's not worth trying to work out now. I don't believe in looking back. My pride says not to try. But anyway, back to these people and their problems. Yes, they didn't pass the test. I've given up hope that anyone ever will.
Except I like to fantasize about it, because I get positive reinforcement for that, and it's easier than actually DOING it."
And I say, I see...
You are TOO generous...TOO kind. It's not safe. What are you up to? What are you hiding?
And even if you're not hiding much of anything, what if I got used to all that stuff? What if I got used to loving and being loved in the open way you want it to be? And then one day you decided I wasn't worthy anymore? That you didn't want to bother anymore? What if you threw me away, in the million little ways people do, or in the one big Dramatic way some effed-up people do when they think they've been Giving and Giving and not Getting and Getting, usually because they weren't Clear about the conditions on the bargain? I would hurt in a way that I wouldn't have hurt before you got me all used to the soft life. That's happened to me, you know, and I won't permit it to happen again. I'd rather keep sleeping on the ground. That way, I know I always can. That way, I always have my independence. That way, you will never make me crumble, or hurt me so badly that I'll never want to get back up.
And I don't want your "niceness!" It comes with strings. It's fake. It's too much at once. I could never live up to your ideals, or your need. I don't want to try. I don't want that!

Here is what I want:
I want someone to tell me a joke.
And maybe the next day give me one shiny red apple.
Perhaps every day, or every few days, there will be a little something.
And we will get a little closer.
And we will have FUN!
And pretty soon we'll have been together for hundreds and hundreds of days
And we won't have to think about it anymore.
Our fingers go together/like birds of a feather
"I couldn't leave you if I tried!"

Or maybe they will need me. not just NEED NEED NEED and anyone will do - need **me** specifically. And show it by doing the things that **I** need and want them to. Which are probably not the things on YOUR list that you think are so wonderful, that people hand you prizes for. They're My things, that **I** want. Special to **me.** I don't want that big gold necklace you wave around. I'm not going to give you a gold star for that. No. I want the little smooth stone in your pocket that nobody sees but you. Want to borrow it anyway. Or have you show it to me. It's got some rough bumps and flaws and ridges. You can show me those too, I'll probably think they're interesting, if I like you. Just don't throw the rock at me, obviously. You'd be surprised how many "nice" people make that mistake.

Mostly I want you to quit being fake and oversensitive, and start being realistic and fun.
Oh, and don't yell at me, either. Ever. (Void where prohibited, applicable state law applies.)

But I knew that was too much to ask.
You'd rather hand out your usual crap about backrubs and sunsets and passion and sparks.
Well, you can keep 'em.

I hope you stay alone forever.

Because you deserve it.
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