no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

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I have some things on my mind, but this is not the right time or the right place to talk about them, so I'll post about something else, and keep it brief.

I do not understand why the concept of age or aging is such a big deal to some people. Perhaps I feel this way because I have usually felt quite old. I declared myself officially "old" at 21 or 22 - I felt O-L-D and also figured "let's just get this out of the way now, shall we?" So it's just a matter of waiting for Wisdom and Wrinkles to catch up. I do not like how certain parts of my body sag and flop lately, but it's mostly because they are in my way or uncomfortable, so if it gets too much In my Way or Uncomfortable, I'll just have surgery. I figure that stage is about ten years off so I'm not fretting about it now.

With women, it seems like age often comes up in relation to Physical Attractiveness. I can sort of understand the concern if you've reached middle age and yet have not found the "right" person for you. You worry that you won't look good enough when you do run into them...but when it's the "right" person, they'll think you look Fine. Because that's part of what makes them Right. None of my "right" people have ever had an issue with my looks. I can't recall it ever coming up, even over a range of weights and hairdos and various levels of physical infirmity and tiredness. I do not know what they thought in their heads but it must not have been a big deal. Nobody who loved me ever left me for being ugly.

Between that and the fact that I feel like women spend too much time worrying about their attractiveness and being dependent on partners anyway, instead of going out and Living Their Lives, being attractive has kind of fallen down the priorities scale for me. It's more relaxing having it off the queue, like gender - it's become one of Those Things that somebody makes a big deal over about once every three months, and it startles me because I've forgotten about it so completely in between days. The secretary is always asking why I don't wear shorter skirts and heels and that. I do that a couple of days a month, usually when I have to go someplace where such a getup is expected. I like to look nice when I do bother, but not for the sake of attracting any attention, because I've already foreclosed the possibility in my mind and plus, if I did attract any, odds are it would be Uncomfortable or Unwanted. I used to try to look good in order to attract Other People, and it seems like what I *did* attract were people who weren't interested in getting to know the "Me" inside or who didn't like "Me" when they did get to know me. Seemed like they just wanted my outsides and usually for guess what? I got hurt sometimes, and I don't want any more of that. If I look nice at all now, I want it to be for Myself, and not for the benefit of anyone who might be looking. Just like I write in this journal mostly for My Own benefit. It's nice that people read it, just like it's nice if people think I look good, but if you don't, I don't really care. On my way to better things. I'll find myself some wings.
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