no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

  • Mood:

let's hang out in the tomb one more day

I'm finally getting some real rest this weekend, which was desperately needed if I don't want a repeat performance of Return of the Son of Stomach Spasms and a Few Other Things. It's still cold so I'm hanging out in bed reading old newspapers and new briefs.

I'd say "excuse my lack of holiday spirit" but y'all know by now (or should) that I also very much need holidays to be happy ordinary days for a while, till I get back on my feet, which might take me a few years.

I came to some conflusions this weekend, in between sleeping and watching Tabbitha nap on top of a silly letter from Hahvahd (good use for the letter I say) and feeding the catz a big plate of deboned Kentucky Fried Chicken for their Easter treat. (They only get it once a year, so don't give me crap about how it's bad for them.)

1. I'm trying to do too much in my life and some of it is going to have to go for the sake of my own sanity. I'm not sure exactly what parts are going, or if they've already gone. Hell Jaye is not going because this is one of the only places I get to be partly myself. I say "partly" because there is no way you're ever going to see the Whole me on here, but you'll probably see more of me than most other people do who don't hang out with me 24/7. I've also become more comfortable putting some ever-so-slightly-personal info on here from time to time, since the personal situations in my life have settled down some and certain harassing, disruptive individuals appear to have found other parks in which to wreak their mayhem (and marchhem and aprilhem, etc.). Yes, Lord, We Thank Thee...

2. I'm going to have to get a lot better at ignoring people who upset me in RL because some of them show every sign of being around for the long haul. I figure that many of them barely remember me, that I'm just a footnote in their busy (yet pathetic, because they are malevolent or louts or both) lives, so there's no point in them being a big starred entry in mine. And it's how the game is played. Man, I'd feel all Julia Phillips if she wasn't (a) dead from cancer (b) overdependent on her husband for way too long (c) a freebase addict (d) ugly, according to my old friend Paul who helped me get into law school (??? I thought she looked strong and beautiful myself - but he was one of those certain ethnic princes and probably thought anybody who looked old and tough and not like a trophy was ugly). The only good thing about having these people around in the work context is that you are paid significant buckxage to tolerate their presence, so it's not like when it's my night off and I have to run into some band scum in my leisure hours when I'm trying to have a good time. Nobody pays me big figures to have to look at band scum. So I'm gonna just work harder on looking through you and concentrating on the good friends and professional contacts I do have. I wish my life wasn't such a rollercoaster, but my old headhunting firm phoned up the other day (they were doing a survey) and said that it happens to everybody at least once in their careers so best to get used to it or get it out of the way.

3. I want, perhaps even need, to do more glass even though the propane and oxy tanks scare me and I have a burn scar on my finger that looks like a crystal marble with a swirl because only the inside of the finger burned. And metal. Metal and glass exact and dreams that come back to haunt me. It is a far, far better thing...

Very few people have ever understood what I am truly capable of. Their loss, sez I.
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