no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,
no.
roses_rejoice

Unmoderated.

I'm a great one for Everything in moderation. Except love, I can't love people in moderation. By that I don't mean that I'm going to overwhelm some person with calls or letters or flowers or other pesterment 400 times a day. I mean, there have been times in my life when I wanted to, and maybe some times when people who were gonna feel pestered anyway (because they're weird) felt bugged about how I was acting too effuSive to them or wanting to talk to them too much? (???) (odditudinous that considering), but I usually try not to bother people, and also I Have this tendency to get busy myself with other activities and not talk to people so much for longer periods of time. So if you stay friends with me you get to see Some or all of that. the thing is though, i can't just have somebody I once loved for a buddy. it doesn't work that way? because, well, it just doesn't. either you're "everything" to me (as every as a Thing can be because I don't believe in Anyone being Everything to Anybody) or when you're not Everything Anymore, You disappear completely. There Is A Middle Way for me in just about everything else, but not in this? And I wonder why because it seems almost against the middling nature of my makeup and my astro and my everythingelse to be so All or Nothing at All about it. I guess it is where the Fixed sign takes over in spades. It is ON and stays ON or it is OFF and stays OFF and I don't flip back and forth and it's just another reason for me to feel like I don't fit in with the rest of the world who seems to be constantly changing their minds. My mind can be changed but only if someone pushes it with a mighty big stick before it gets too set in its ruts or else if it really wants to change like a lightbulb.

Or perhaps it's just that no one ever bothered to stick around and teach me How to Be Justafriend. So I never learned Justafriend? I actually don't believe in Justafriend very much because it usually tends to turn into Something or Nothing after awhile. But nobody taught me, they really didn't. they mostly just left? Or they did something so utterly horrible I had to make them leave and I always felt that was their passive-aggressive way of constructively leaving while making me into the bad guy who Made Them Go.

Oh no nothing "Happened" just me thinking out loud yanno
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