no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

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tired of living on bad promises? call...

One of the things I've learned since I started reading what a hella lotta people post online is that guys can care about their partners too. Because when I was young, I got the impression most of them didn't, and when they were put out with somebody ditching them or whatever, it was usually due to an injured ego (and possibly lack of sex, though it's been my experience that somebody who needs sex THAT bad can and will find it someplace else), rather than actually giving a damn about having another particular person around. To be honest, I think a whole lot of people, regardless of gender, are more upset about the public ego dis than they are about actually losing somebody who probably has been getting on their nerves for a while anyway. I mean, people who break up don't usually wake up one sunny day and suddenly depart in the middle of happy smiley breakfast - they've been fighting and/or not talking and buggin' on each other for a while most likely.

I guess I got the impression nobody cared when I was young the same way all the young people now get it, simply because very few people back then seemed to care about ME as a person (as opposed to me as a sex toy or trophy date or potential source of income, etc.). Perhaps that was partly due to the people I sought out - I distrusted anyone who was all emotionally gushy and expressive, and preferred more silent, quirky types. But on the other hand, I still distrust people who seem too emotionally expressive or open, and I don't think somebody's outward expression really says anything about whether they will BE there for you when the chips are down. I've had at least two instances of people who professed all kinds of love when it suited them (like, when their GF had just walked out the door and they were at loose ends for the week and a half till she walked back in) and the rest of the time were completely and heartbreakingly emotionally AWOL. I've also learned over many years to read between the lines a lot when it comes to people, because sometimes the ones who feel the most are among the worst at actually expressing it, and you can maybe teach them how to a certain degree but they're not gonna change all that much so you need to learn their language too. Of course, if someone isn't going to communicate with you enough for there to even BE a language, then they're toast, and I wish I'd thrown out a couple of the pieces of burnt toast before I burned my hand on them, but that's in the past and neither here nor there.

So yeah, on the one hand it is nice to see that other people are capable of caring about somebody else as much as I feel like I am. But on the other hand it's a little scary how we all can let this caring-about-others hold us back so much. Like, be so in love with somebody else that we're overdependent or dysfunctional on some level. And it's not anything logical, it's not like something you can just reason yourself out of, when you're down in that hole. The best thing is when somebody can come and give you a hand but even then it's just a boost, you need to climb most of the way out by yourself.

(p.s. I wrote the above yesterday, it just didn't get posted till today. no way do I roll out of bed at this ungodly hour able to think coherently. I hate being up this early, and so does my stomach, but I have a meeting.)
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