no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

dancing in the dark

Hey baby,
'Sup yo? I keep getting these fone calls with blank massages time-stamped at like 2 in the morning, and 5 in the morning, and I think the stamper on my massage machine is orf but for a minute I did sorta wonder if that was you, calling up from the beyond, like Mary Baker Eddy buried with her telefone. Actually they say that was an Urban Legend but it's too bad, woulda been cool if it were true. When you go to Heaven, do you get an unlimited calling card? It can't be that much different from calling home from Oxford. But yeah, I know that was you who called the house every night for two years after we stopped speaking and either hung up or didn't say anything. We didn't have Caller ID in those days but I knew it was you just the same, who else would have the persistence to keep it up for two years straight? I didn't blame you really. You know, I go days sometimes without talking to anyone much except for work-related stuff. Well, Dale is here and we talk everyday of course but sometimes he's asleep or away or isn't up for the kind of discussion I have in mind. Whenever I feel like nobody's talking, I know I could fix it by just calling people up or going on the AIM and talking to them but sometimes that seems like a lot of effort and also, what if they don't want to talk to me? I **hate** asking people for things and avoid it whenever I can. It's like when I was a freshman in high school and thought I should Develop More of a Social Life so I was gonna ask these girls who rode the bus with me if I could go to some sort of athletic pep rally at the local all-guys school with them. I thought it would be OK because we all rode the bus together every morning and they seemed friendly enough. I didn't really want to go to the pep rally, I hate sports, but I thought I might get out of the house, meet some people. Well, they found out in advance somehow I was gonna ask and then there was all this whispering and giggling on the bus the next day and the older leader girl making exclamations like "OOOOOHHHH NOOOOOOO" and right then I knew there was no way they were gonna let me come along and were just gonna give me shit, so I didn't ask. And finally leader girl yelled, "Hey were you going to ask if you could come to the pep rally with us?" And I said, No, I'd decided not to go. Because I didn't really give two shits about it, if I had I would have figured out a way to get there without them at that point. And that kinda deflated their little balloon, you could see how disappointed they were that they didn't get a chance to make fun. Now that we're all Grownup, it's even worse because you can see people fumbling around for some polite way to tell you that they really didn't want to get together, that they had other plans, and I'd rather they just come right out and say Sorry, you're not invited, "Friends Only" and you're not a Friend. So I don't ask for things, I don't put people on the spot if I can possibly help it. I know you went through a lot of that too, that not having people to talk to, and the not wanting to get rejected any more than you'd already been, and I am sorry we eventually couldn't talk but that's how things worked out and we can't help it nor change it now. But, we can talk now. This morning I was thinking of how I would get back from class and life would be seeming so difficult, like this endless mountain of classes I didn't totally understand and snotty professors and people who I had nothing in common with and no money, and you would be waiting for me saying, "I played the guinea pig my Tuppercussion loop and wrote down all her reactions to the songs. I want to focus on the ones she likes the best, so after every one I asked her what she thought," and it was kinda silly but suddenly life would seem doable again for five minutes. Anyway I am late, I gots to go, I hope you have a good day doing whatever you do which I'm sure is fun. Love xoxoxo Me
Comments for this post were disabled by the author