no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

the dead man's float

like i said earlier i do feel happier and like i'm making progress, but it's very tiring to make a 24-hour (or make that a two-week vacation long) effort to keep your nerves in check without substances. i think some days i go through every color of the rainbow of mood and i just have to ignore them and let them pass. and sleep. and take baths.

i wonder if my system will ever settle down or did i strain it for good and all with four years of way-too-competitive school and the stuff i got myself into after. often i wish there was a war to fight. i don't want to kill people or get killed or watch people get shot and die, but it would provide an outlet for nervous energy, something Bigger Than Myself as it were, and when your body feels like it's always fighting a war anyway, what's a real one between friends? i spent the evening watching a program on escaped SS men on the History Channel. it was oddly relaxing. i should have been a Nazi hunter or a resistance fighter. eh who knows what might come down the pipe in the next 50 years, if we live.

bon wee
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