been thinking a lot lately about a couple of people i don't talk to anymore, and what went wrong et cetera et cetera. the best i can figure is, it was just circumstances. somebody said/did something terribly wrong at the wrong time and relations got messed up beyond the point of fixing it or even maybe wanting to fix it. circumstances and piled-up coincidences can really fuck you over, like chicago for instance, everything just all bassackwards at the wrong time. it never will fix, the best i can do is just try to forget about it now. i get a little sad because the engineer in me wants to fix everything with people i consider important, but i realize that sometimes that can't be done or it would be "cheaper to buy a new one". also i have to accept that maybe i wasn't as important to certain other people as they were to me. there are plenty of people i stopped talking to simply because they bored me or got on my nerves and i didn't care/mind that they were gone and have no motivation to deal with them again ever, so it's likely i fall in that category for some other people too.
the thing is, i rarely have any regret over anything that happened. i do the best i can with the circumstances that i'm given, and if it doesn't work out then i figure it wasn't supposed to work out. i mean...things happen when they're supposed to happen. a lot of odd/unusual things have happened to me that i never would have planned, never would have thought in a million years would occur. so it stands to reason that things also stop happening when they're supposed to stop happening. right now i feel a little sorry that i came down so hard on one particular person a while ago, but i wasn't so far out of line that it warrants beating myself up over it. put it this way, even if i give them an advantage, from my vantage point they still acted like a bigger ass than i ever did.
i still sometimes think i was a lot better off during those ten or so years when i didn't talk to anybody though. life is a constant struggle to not go back to that, and i wonder why i struggle because not talking to people wasn't a bad way to live.