no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

  • Mood:

like nothing ever happened

It's weird being more or less "well" again, and going out to shop and eat and so forth like i didn't spend most of the last two months housebound immobile with pain. (We'll leave out the portions of even earlier months spent in the lands of Nervous Wreck, Drunken Stupor and Griefstricken Emotional Meltdown.) I'm still here. The world looks just the same. And history ain't changed.

I don't want to be that sick anymore. Considering the stress levels I was under at various times, I'm surprised it took six years from the last bout of same thing to knock me back down. I have some health plans in mind so hopefully this won't happen a fourth time, although some other malady will probably get me when it's time to next recharge. I'm one of those people who basically has to be knocked completely off my feet to get me to slow down the pace, 'cause otherwise when I'm hit I just try to keep running.

not wanting to be sick is a big reason i try to keep the drama level down. 'cause it literally does make me physically ill to get too overinvolved with people who are going through too much crap if i can't help them. i'm not the world's savior, and i have to concentrate my energies on my own self and on the people for whom i CAN do something positive - usually they'll be doing something good for me in return. sometimes i feel weak, and then it becomes more important for me to distance myself from some situation or conflict or drama, so i don't upset myself and freak out on people i dearly love, and so i can strengthen my independence as opposed to getting emotionally dependent on someone else's reinforcement. the one aspect of my mom's personality that i don't like and don't want to emulate is the part that yelled at loved ones in frustration and stopped talking to them for four or five days at a time except to express disappointment with them. she eventually realized that life was too short for that, but it took her a lot of years. i have enough of my mom in me that blowups are going to happen sometimes, but i already see that life is too short and i don't like to go four days without fixing something unless i've logically (not emotionally) decided to just leave ties broken for a while or permanently. hell when it's someone i don't want to fight with, i don't even like to go four hours. i am thankful that people close to me also feel the way i do because sometimes (not always just sometimes) they have to be the ones to reach out.

i wanna reach for you.
- crispy ambulance
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