1. If your life were a movie, what would the title be?
YOUR NAME HERE
(Of course, it would be a comedy.)
2. What songs would be on the soundtrack?
Hmm off top of my head,
Cobra Verde - Modified Frankenstein (if it's good enough for Shirley, it's good enough for me)
Death of Samantha - Anything thrashy by them that I could actually get a license to use
Pink Holes - We're Glad We Are What We Are and Heaven Only Knows
J Mascis - The Wagon
Todd Rundgren - Baby Let's Swing (instrumental only)
'Mats - I will dare
Bruce Springsteen - Cadillac Ranch
Heavy Blinkers - Instruments of Love
STP - Flies in the Vaseline
Probably get some of my friends to score the rest, or I'd do it with them. At some points, banjos would be required.
3. Would it be a live-action film or animated? Why?
Half and half. Sort of like how "Better Off Dead" suddenly lapsed into that sequence with dancing hamburgers. That's how my life is anyway, sometimes the hamburgers just get up and dance, sometimes they don't.
4. Casting: who would play you, members of your family, friends, etc?
I'd be played by a young slightly pudgy Stockard Channing (deadpans with lack of affect). Ted would be played by the Malt-0-Meal bear. Derek would be played by Mandy Moore. My cats would appear as themselves. Open casting call for everybody else.
5. Describe the movie preview/trailer.
****As the opening bars of "Modified Frankenstein" play, shot from below of me in my early 20s walking into the airport dropping five pieces of hideously mismatched luggage and a small fuzzy animal in a carrier. ****
Voice-over: "As you travel through life, you learn about Stuff. Like love..."
****Cut to me on my back, completely obscured by the top half of some guy in a leather jacket laying on top of me, except for my eyes, the top of my stupid bouffant hairdo and one of my arms which is wearing five chain and stud bracelets and two test cables and holding a copy of "The Aesthetics of Rock" which I am reading over the guy's shoulder while he does whatever.****
Me: (bored) "You done yet?"
****Cut to me and Ted on the Capitol steps surrounded by ugly tourists in fanny packs, two dirty homeless guys with change cups and a few protesters with signs****
Ted: (getting on knees in middle of melee) "Will you marry me?"
Voice-over: "And work."
****Cut to quick shots of (1) me in an engg lab blowing up a battery pack with a 1-foot flame sparking out, (2) me taking notes on somebody's back in the front row of a rock show with drunken louts moshing around me and bouncing beer bottles off my head, (3) me in a blue pinstriped business suit with a briefcase in a restroom pulling a seat cover out of a metal dispenser that flies off the wall and crashes loudly in three pieces, (4) me in a set of coveralls clutching a hose that is spraying a gallon of motor oil. During this sequence, which is filmed a la vintage Mary Tyler Moore show, Ben Stein's voice is heard in the background announcing, "When all else fails, manipulate the data."
Voice-over: "And curly fries."
****Shot of me eating curly fries. Possible cameos for Neb and Clay here as fellow curly-fry eaters. Quick cut to dancing animated curly fries.****
****At this point Naomi runs straight up to the camera and shoves a blue hedgehog into it for no good reason.****
Naomi: (shouting from behind hedgehog) "BOO-YAH!!"
Voice-over: "And how to fit it all in one suitcase."
****Shot of me age 40 in the same spot in the same airport, wearing a hat and Burberry trenchcoat and with one small neat black piece of Rollabord luggage. As I turn and walk away pulling the Rollabord, a small fuzzy animal pokes its head out of my coat pocket and snickers.****
****As the final riff of music ends cold, screen goes black except for the title, YOUR NAME HERE in big capital letters. A lop-eared bunny hops across the letters and disappears.****