no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

  • Mood:

long live death

awful breakups, and illnesses, and war, and death, and other traumas suck. but they do focus one's attention on What Is Truly Important. suddenly you don't sweat the small stuff. because you don't have space for the small stuff. you can call in sick to work without worrying that you'll get fired over it, because you're too numb to care. and that non-urgent fone message will get answered when it gets answered, and nobody will die if it doesn't get answered right away. (especially since somebody already did die so what's another one. whoop dee shit.)

eventually you do have to start caring about the fone messages and the dust on the furniture and all that crap again. but the break from worry (because the Big Bad Thing actually Happened! thus relieving the tension) allowed you to move more freely as you went through the motions. Death of some stripe walks in, and "suddenly all those papers on my desk don't matter anymore".

The last significant death in my life gave me the impetus to change a lot of things that I'd been wanting to, but just hadn't gotten out of the mire to fix. I booted people out of my life who were not contributing to it in a meaningful way. I booted a career path out of my life that was leading nowhere, or at least nowhere I wanted to be. It didn't all happen overnight (although some of it did). And it might have all happened anyway (although some of it wouldn't). The point is, it happened and it happened then. I wonder if I am up for more of the same? I am not sure who would get the boot as I've gotten much more proactive about disposing of people who aren't making me feel good. If that means a few babies get thrown out with the bathwater, if they really loved me they'd crawl back, and if they aren't the type to do that, they probably don't have enough get up and go to keep things going with me anyway.

a change and a focus. as much as death sucks, it BYOB's its own strange bottle of relief.
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