Aside from that, spring makes me sad because I rarely seem to have room in my schedule to enjoy it. I remember thinking when I went to Georgetown main campus that I would have time to sit in the nice little sidewalk cafes and chat with my classmates from all over the world and learn many interesting things from them. Instead we were hit with a massive workload and we sat indoors, in the Taco Hell close to the computer lab, and any interesting things I learned tended to come after the third pitcher of beer before the tenth spreadsheet at 11 p.m. I don’t think I got off the campus for an entire year except to go to the other campus, and I hated that. The saddest part is that many of my peers probably ended up with jobs resembling an endless repeat of Taco-Hell-with-spreadsheets, save for occasional corporate resort trips where one is required to attend meetings and play inspirational golf. No thanks!
And there is the loneliness that never goes away, that I don’t like to talk about because I don’t think it’s fixable. Spring is supposed to be new beginnings, but I don’t believe in new beginnings anymore. I’m not depressed, I’m just tired and it’s easier to set things aside rather than keep hoping only to be disappointed by people again and again. I’m into sustained, concentrated effort these days, which is hard because many days that means effort with little or no payback, like a ball that won’t reliably drop to earth when you let it go.