"It's good to know people care and appreciate you. But you can't base your feelings of worth or worthlessness on that, not even a little bit. You can't put that power over your feelings in other people's hands...Some days you will just get shit in return for your good efforts and you need to appreciate and love yourself for the fact that YOU know you made a good effort, even when 'you get no pay nor tanx' in return."
I have to remind myself that the way people acted towards me, and treated me, and treated themselves, in the past was their own choice, not my fault, and due to their own issues and problems and shortcomings, not my behavior or mannerisms. and there was probably nothing I could have done, no way I could have acted, no possible way I could have changed myself or made myself over, that would have stopped the things that happened from happening pretty much the way they happened. I used to think, erroneously, that if I was just better somehow, just different somehow, it would Fix things - that everything that was Wrong for a few years would magically straighten out. I tried to change my personality, my weight, my looks, my actions to be more what Others wanted, but I couldn't extinguish my me-ness...and I always felt like I failed when I was just succeeding at being myself.
yes, i was angry then. yes, i am angry now. the difference is that now i can express it. in a million different ways i express it.
i need to remind myself that those days are over. forever. i'm me now again. and you don't mess with me. and you don't fuck with me. or i will stand up for myself and you will pay this time. i'm not that beaten-down person any more. i don't need you. i never needed you.
and yes, I *am* talking about *multiple* people here. some of them unlikely suspects. often the most disturbed person is the one who thinks they're hiding so very well. go ahead and try to hide. i laugh at you. you don't fool me. you never fooled me.