October 17th, 2004


you're the only one I want to talk to

Hi dear,
I almost started this off with "Hi, Weaselface" except I remembered how you didn't really like that. Which was of course the most perfect reason for me to keep doing it to make sure you liked me enough to put up with it :) Anyway I don't have anything big to say. Except that sometimes you're the only one I really want to talk to. And life is finally starting to feel halfway decent again. I don't think it has for 20 years really, or more. I mean, it's not like I was continuously unhappy but there was just too much unresolved everything all the time. The only good part about going through all that is I think it helps me understand better when other people go through similar.

Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling glad that you're someplace where I don't have to worry any more about running into you, or whether or not I should try to talk to you, and who might object or fuss and what sorts of problems might arise. Because like I said, I did want to talk to you always. If you were in the shape to talk, that is, which mostly you weren't, you know. But I wouldn't want you to stay parked in the same bin with the jerks of the world who I don't talk to because I hate them because I used to love them and they fucked it up. I wouldn't want you in with them. I couldn't be around you, but I never, ever hated you. You were always better than that. You always told me I was better than a lot of things too. Do you know how much that meant to me? I imagine you thought it didn't mean anything, because it was easier to think that than actually figure everything out (I do the same thing don't worry about it). Anyway. I am starting to stop making sense so I have to stop but I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Which you knew anyway I am sure but this is more, er, PUB(L)IC so I thought maybe that would make you glad. I always remind myself it doesn't matter what anybody says or wants to think because you're around and like I said you're really the only one I want to talk to.
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