September 12th, 2004


It'll shine when it shines.

I have a bad leg, and a cracked heart held together with cold weld and duct tape.
(Although it's in reasonably good shape compared to the other used hearts its age on the lot. Been rebuilt a couple of times by skilled mechanix.)

I wish neither one of them ached, but from time to time, they both do. It can't be helped. You use things, they're gonna get worn out, broke down and busted.

Last night I realized I've *finally* managed to put everybody I ever Knew to rest, in the sense of making peas with them or just not giving a shit anymore, except for one real lulu that I don't think will ever get resolved or go away. On the other hand, I've said that about ppl before and it always settled out in time, though it took many years and the form of resolution was often the last thing I would have planned, or expected.

I can look back and say, Well if I had known then what I know now...Well if I had just handled this or that differently...Well if I hadn't had this or that going on...wouldn't have happened like that. I should have x'ed. I shouldn't have y'ed. You think all strait like that when you've forgotten how it felt to have an emo earthquake going on under your feet, ready to swallow you up if you didn't JUMP for your life. And you don't remember, except in a numb, detached way, how it felt to be a thrown-away stuffed bunny, tiredly laying on the garbage heap, waiting for the trash men to come and burn you up, thinking, This is what I get for being a good and faithful companion. I must have done something Terribly Wrong, if this is what I deserve. Or else it's the world that's terribly wrong, whatever. I lose. You hop against hope that someone will come along and rescue you and magically turn you into a Real Bunny, so you can hop safely away before you turn to ashes, but you don't know for sure it's going to happen, and maybe it's taking a while, or occurring in a very bassackwards way.

(That's not to say that it didn't happen. I was indeed rescued, eventually, a couple of times over. I don't want to sound ungrateful. I'm very lucky and I know it and I think of it every damn day.)

(Did you know bunnies have a hard time backing up? Their hind legs are too developed, or something. I once had to rescue mine from between the chest of drawers and the wall, because he'd hopped head first into the space, and couldn't get out, and was just hopping forward and kind of banging his head on the wall and then backing up a step or two, which was all he could manage or figure, and hopping forward again. I heard this noise, thwack thwack thwack, for a while before I thought to go check on it and found it was stuck bunny and lifted him out. Silly headbanger bun.)

I am terribly longwinded, I know.

I guess this is just another of those Things I Can't Reach Out and Fix Myself, that maybe wasn't meant to be fixed, or not right now. As Gloria Vanderbilt's nurse said, "Sometimes you just got to leave it where Jesus flung it."

There's just this hole in my heart and I wish the person who left it there would come back and fix it? Because I can't fix it. I'm ashamed of myself for feeling this way...pathetic. I'm tired of boring my friends with it. I'm tired of myself for going through this same pattern how many times in my life. Maybe in ten years I'll look back and see all the flaws and not be sorry it ended, like I feel about a couple of others NOW, but ten years isn't up yet. My leg takes a few weeks to a few years to stretch. And holes take time to fill in on their own.

Hopefully this is the last I will speak of this. I keep saying that and a lot of other things, hopping one day they will stick. One day one day, Can't trust that day. One day one day, Sometimes it just turns out that way.

(p.s.: in this case, i feel a need to clarify, before any casual readerz leap to Catastrophic heights of confusion, that the above is not directed at any Band Peepul (tM).)
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