July 31st, 2004

john + yoko

well i been lookin' for somebody got my mind made up/ who doesn't need a lot to say

so that when we talk, at least we're not playin' games...

Every once in a while I make some aborted attempt to write an entry about how much life used to hurt, years ago, mostly in the latter part of my 20s, a bit on into the 30s. there were about 10 years in there that, despite some good moments/good things, emotionally just sucked a lot more than they rocked. it's those 10 years that give me a modicum of understanding, even empathy, for people in that age group who seem to be going through hurtful times, and often splashing them all over their elljays, or even inappropriate places like music fan lists. Breathes there the rock list with soul so dead that nobody on it ever said, MY GIRLFRIEND JUST LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER GUY AND I HURT SO AWFUL BAD I DUNNO WHAT TO DO.

But I rarely if ever finish writing whatever it is, because not only is it not in my nature to express emotion, pain on paper comes off as so piddling, boring, or cliched that it's just a waste of space. Plus, unless you're the kind of person who likes having a "support group" of people who spring into action and post lovey-dovey stuff every time you stub your little toe, which personally I don't...i mean...if it helps other people feel better I don't really want to knock it, it's just that it usually doesn't really help Me - more like it embarrasses me, especially if the people trying to be supportive aren't really "there" for you on a daily basis. It just seems like fake canned expected politess and on some occasions makes me want to yell.

I think maybe all the pain of life would be best expressed if we didn't try to craft posts about it but simply had a phone post option allowing us to scream for an hour, silently if need be, and post that. Explaining wears me out. Sometimes trying to put whatever it is into words is more exhausting than actually going through the experience was. So I've spent the last few years looking for people who understood what I was getting at without my having to explain a lot. It's not like it's all hard to understand, really, if you point yr tuner to the right frequency.

and, like marlene the teen murderess sed, Past is past. I don't need to stare at it.

anyway I gotta go to work and then, speaking of attempts at expressing pain, ted is s'posed to take me to the metallica movie. woo. hoo.
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