June 17th, 2004

john + yoko

with this thy joy and with this thy sorrow

they buried the manager's son who was killed in Iraq, and he got a big spread with photos in the washington post here (you have to register, sorry). i hadn't realized he was muslim. this war is ridiculous. i am about ready to put Nixon back into office just to get rid of the current dingbat.

and yet, apart from stuff like that, and the fact that my lower legs are about to fall off from all the running around on the constantly brokedown Metro and diseased Marc trains, I love my life right now. i love having work to do, I love being in my favorite city all day, I love all the little places to eat tortillas with black beans and dim sum, I love all the wacky pandas sitting around downtown (this year's local model of Cow Parade), I love a lot of things...people. this is the happiest I've been in two years and before that you'd prolly have to count back five.

*knocks wood* mmhmm I don't wanna jinx it
used to care

Drinking and drugging before breakfast

knavishas also reminded me of a good point on the McCullers entry

point being the one made in the Joan Kennedy bio I am reading. that nothing CAUSES alcoholism (or, i would suppose, drug addiction or other forms of addiction). inner pain doesn't "cause" it. other people don't "cause" it. it is a disease.

this is an interesting and comforting thought for those of us who feel guilt, no matter how logically silly or fleeting, that we may have driven someone to drink.

* * *

a lot of people have inner pain of some sort, and issues with other people of some sort, and they don't end up addicted to anything. because they're lucky and don't have the disease.

there have been periods in my own life where nothing was too horrible and yet i had enough inner pain or upset with a person/situation to make my life a wreck for months or even years. because i'd be thinking about it when i woke up in the morning. i'd be thinking about it when i went to bed at night. i'd be thinking about it while i ate thanksgiving dinner, rode the rollercoaster at hersheypark, took baths, worked, made plans, it would always be there in the back of my mind. pain. sometimes i thought about drinking it away. sometimes i did. i didn't become an alcoholic though, because i don't have the disease. of course, it's not wise to push your triggers...because you don't know when or if you might develop the disease. you don't know where your inner time bombs might be ticking, better off not to scamper through the ACHTUNG! MINEN! field.

i realized after andy commented that i get tired of pain being seen as an excuse for addictive behavior.
i get tired of "artistic pain" being exalted or painted as Truth or Poesy. however it's not the true artists* who are pushing that viewpoint. the vast majority of them are just trying to get through the day. it's the external observers who don't think before they frame someone else's existence stupidly.

(*"true artists" excludes wannabe artiste wackjobs like Elizabeth Wurtzel who exploit their messedupness to cater to others' voyeuristic instincts and make bux in the process - I'll watch her sideshow, but I'd certainly tell her she ain't nuthin' but a McD's burger on the plate of kultoor - i don't think she'd care though, cha-CHING!!)
garlic dance

Jandek loves you, now shaddap

I am peeved because I found out today that I missed seeing the Jandek on Corwood documentary at the Silver Theatre last night. This is what happens when you don't get around to reading the free paper for a week, kids. You miss stuff. It's probably just as well because I had to work anyway, was way too tired to haul myself up that hill from the metro stop and besides, after a long business day, Jandek music is probably the absolute last thing I need this side of a full bottle of Thunderbird. anyway, hopefully it will screen again, if not there's always the DVD release.

I always feel so personally attached to Jandek given that when we got his first records at 'RUW, several of us sat around remarking at some length on how unbelievably bad they were. Of course I played them, I was like the radio version of Mikey, I'd play anything (as long as it didn't have swear words that would make the management and my mom yell at me). That was the one and only time I got multiple calls from listeners complaining that the music sucked. I bet they've all jumped on the Jandek-is-Rad bandwagon now.
honi soit


Thanks to everybody on my f(r)iends list for having faith in me.

(Any of you who actually don't have faith in me, I'd appreciate it if you'd get the hell off my journal now. thanks in advance for doing that )
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