June 4th, 2004

john + yoko

Maybe I'm amazed at the way I'm sometimes such a sheep,

but i'm my own sheep, dammit. wit' my own custom baackground for the latest canned Mini-Me icon generator. I just couldn't resist an icon of me "Stabbing a Steak." It's probably an Omaha Steak, mom had a fight with the mail-order company and we wound up with two free boxes of filets, and she hasn't eaten steak since about 1975. Cholesterol of DEATH!!! Mmmm!!
  • Current Mood
    a beer?
john + yoko

Compulsion.

This week I had to stop myself from buying books because I realized I was getting slightly compulsive about it. I don't have books piled up to the ceiling, any more than I wait to get real hungover before I stop drinking. It's just a sixth sense that tells me I've had enuf for a while. I have to watch it with everything that makes me feel temporarily better, that relieves the ordinary aches and pains of existence, because I've always felt that I have an addictive personality and it's easy for me to slip into doing too much of whatever it is. That's why I never let myself use drugs, and didn't drink till I was 21 and then only about once a year till I was about 26. Books are pretty healthy by comparison, so I buy a lot of 'em, but you can OD on healthy things too, like eating too many raw vegetables at a time, you wind up not enjoying 'em. I have quite enuf to read around here for quite a while.

Sometimes I also have to quit writing here for a while because I feel like I'm getting compulsive about that. Like, I find myself thinking of everything as something to write about, and it's too much writing and it takes up my brain like overeating takes up yer stomach, and I have to give it a rest. I was weirded out by someone I know talking about wanting to go part-time at the law gig because it would give them "time to write and figure out what they really wanted to do." Writing for me is something that's going to get done regardless. Scrawled on notepads, paper towels, old napkins full of coffee stains, crossed out and inked over, scattered everywhere and often not terribly relaxing until you've finished. It's not something you kick back and think and create with beautifully crafted pens. I'm always amazed by people who write like that, or more likely who think of writing like that without actually doing much of any. For me it's like jogging, or laying pipe, or occasionally like bleeding or vomiting. Sometimes it feels good to do, sometimes it feels good when you're Done, sometimes it don't feel good at all but you just Have to get it out of your system. I'm just as happy I don't gotta do it for a living. It wouldn't be any good as an outlet, then.
  • Current Mood
    busy busy