May 12th, 2004


ain't no 'tenshun ho

whoa the grandiflora popped into bloom and I actually noticed it this year. i bet it's been 5 yrs since i paid attn. aaaaand it's been more than a year since the other so i'm done Greeving. but sometimes (like this very sunny evening looking out at GREENNESS OVERLOAD! and an overabundance of !lilypads!) it still strikes me w/ surprise. hey, you're dead!! which means i don't have to miss you as much anymore b/c you're more Here than you were for such a long time. maybe by now you don't mind me being with Whatsisname so much either, because at least you always know where I am too?

can't believe we took those pics almost 20 years ago (19 to be exact)...I suspect I'm looking for that 20-year-old me, the one in the pix before, well, Everything that happens when yr trying to make other plans. no i'm not going to post them, don't wish to be (perceived as) making any st00pid statements about Oh I used to be young and purty, see, see, whatfuckingEVER, I hate that shit, I hate fishy fishing ppl. me's not for everybody, just for Me. or, if I'm feeling generous, just for Us.

I know you'd like all the lilypads. You always liked everything I wanted to show you. Except yr "competition" :P
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Today eye spyed with my I and I a bird down by the trainstation flying off with a super-long piece of straw for making the nest. I remember once i dropped some tufts of cat hair outside, from taking out trash or shaking out an old blanket or something, and almost immediately birds flew off with the hair wads :P you'd think it would make their nests reek of Nasty Predator, but I guess not. years ago when we cut down the hedges and found old nests in them, I recognized blue string I'd dropped outside, and also some of my own long hair, weaving the twigs together. If I could just weave this house together with my hair I wouldn't have to deal with unreliable contractors. Lucky birds!

I love watching Animals in the woods around the train station, said woods probably being permitted to stand because (a) it would cost too much to clear them and (b) it cuts down on train noise. usually there are birds, often chipmunks-bunnies-groundhogs, occasionally little lizards (they like to hide in the metal lamp bases on the platform and come out between trains for sunning on the concrete), tortoises, blue herons in the marsh, beavers outside their lodge, and once even a real striped badger. seeing Animals and even Plants makes me really happy. I used to go hiking with a group just to see Plants and Birds and Rocks and Things but the ppl in the group (Columbia ppl) began to bug me after awhile, well ok let's be honest here most of them bugged me from just about the get-go. They hiked too damn fast for me to look at things. I don't poke along and take all day to do a mile, but I have a short stride and need to go slow on hills, and I don't get any relaxation out of marching down a trail at an aerobic pace. if i wanted to walk laps i'd go to a gym or mall.

plus, I had zilch in common with most of those ppl so hiking 5-8 miles in their company was rather a chore. it does seem like there's no fun, relaxing activity that can't be fucked up by turning it into a social gathering. I just read where women were now organizing "stitch-n-bitch" knitting circles to hang out together and kvetch while knitting. *rolls eyes* uhm, knitting and other needlework is what I do to get my mind OFF bitchy asswipes, i'll thank you all kindly not to ruin my simple pleasure for me.

speaking of the ruination of simple pleasures, or just people acting "simple" in general not in a Good way, i realize that Nature Appreciation From Zee Train does not compare to living out in the woods on no income smoking a ton of weed and attending beer party upon beer party, which is what many of the loser "nature people" i meet seem to enjoy. i'm just sorry they don't get drunk enough to dive off the nearest cliff or die in forest fires caused by their own wayward joints. yes, I'm thinking of specific losers here, it's a nice day so why don't you go DIE? All apologies to the Good people reading this but I have to remind myself that one can't stop liking all the badgers (or the entire Commonwealth of Virginia, or the entire region of Northeast Ohio, or rock n' roll) because you associate those things with a few stupid dickwads who messed 'em up for ya. Badgers have sufficient merit within themselves to transcend all assholiness. So do Guitar Solos, for that matter. :P

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In gender news today, blog_of_death reported the suicide of David Reimer, the boy who was raised as a girl after a botched circumcision, but managed to eventually get back to being a guy and write a book about his experience that I have been planning for some years to read.

I swear, between this and the Teena Brandon case, which seems to have been a similar situation (Brandon was born a hermaphrodite and his mom "chose" that he be made into a girl - but it didn't take) I would never even attempt to dictate a kid's gender. Plus, if I ever have a son, I am not letting them get near him with a circumcision knife. It's barbaric and weird and I seriously wonder how it's persisted this long in modern Western culture.

I wonder how much of Reimer's suicidal tendency was caused by the gender issue, how much might have been due to stuff like hormone therapy (hormones running amok cause me to feel very bad a few times a year) and how much was just the general pressure of existence.