May 4th, 2004

sXemo

short version for the masses

i never had a "classic" eating disorder, but from reading and talking to diet counselors i realize i was probably borderline. i have a hereditary tendency towards being a chubby, round person - i'm shaped like both of my grandmothers and most of my female relatives - so weight control was an issue for me when i was younger, although not so much now. there are also certain foods, such as bread and sugar, that make me physically ill in various ways if i consume too much of them, and that took me a number of years (and a number of times getting sick) to figure out.

both of my parents were naturally skinny for almost all of their lives (took after the thinner side of their families) and came from families where the cost and amount of food, as in, having enough money to feed all the kids, was an issue. when i was growing up, we weren't poor, but there was definitely a limited food budget and it further affected my parents' attitude towards food and what foods were available for me to eat.

my mom also had some issues of her own with being expected to cook dinner for her family (i.e. dad and me) and with the fact that her family (i.e. dad and me) saw meal time as a place to consume food, not a place to hang out, talk, socialize, and tell her how appreciated she was. food was one of the issues to which she attached far too much emotional baggage. as a result, when i was growing up, a lot of power struggles and control games centered around food.

for me, joking about food or getting to eat whatever i want, when i want, even if it's expensive, are ways of defusing all this food-related tension i'm still carrying around that i'm just lucky didn't result in actual bulimia or anorexia. i guess i was too loved in other ways, or strong/lucky in other ways, to succumb to the actual diseases.

i also can't stand being around or hearing about situations that trigger memories of control battles over food when i was living with my parents. such as women complaining, even in jest, about having to cook dinner for their boyfriend or husband. or couples bickering about how one never helps the other with the cooking or the cleanup, or fussing about how much food costs. those sorts of conversations are triggers for me, and they make me very angry even when i don't know the people involved, and I just have to get away from people who carry on like that. because basically any sort of control issue or emotional issue tied to food sends me right over the edge.

this has been what inushnu would call a PURGE :) we now return you to your regularly scheduled LiveJournal bullshit.

(by the way, i have a lot of unanswered comments piled up and i also need/want to comment on several people's journals where i haven't been saying much lately. so please don't think i'm ignoring you.)