April 1st, 2004


fear is a 4-letter word

on my way in to work i've been passing this advert for a teaching organization that says something like, "sometimes, you have to learn not to be afraid to succeed."

i've never had Fear of Success in the classic sense of the term. you know, where women are afraid that if they do well in school or on the job, everyone will hate them. because of things that happened to me in my early childhood and later on, i always figured that people would find a reason to dislike me if they felt like disliking me, and i couldn't see the benefit in making myself look like an idiot just to be liked anyway. 'cause being liked ain't that swank.

i think I have been fearful of success in some other areas of my life though, that aren't so tied to economic potential. again, not out of a fear of being disliked. but more out of a fear of replacing one old, familiar worry with a new, unfamiliar one. like, say something is not Right in your life. You change things, maybe situations come round a bit on their own as well, it gets better. But part of you will always be worrying that it will go wrong again. And, other pressures might come into play, that you didn't have to worry about before. For example, if you have no friends, you don't worry about anyone hurting you, or you hurting them. If you have 10 friends, then the potential for fuckup has just increased 10-fold. Ergo, pressure.

And then there's the biggie...that you'll get whatever it is, and it still won't fill that hole inside that's always been there, and always is gonna be there. Which is fine as long as you realize it. But it takes so long to get your brain around to realizing that Nothing's magic, Nothing's going to magically take all the pain away. Not even substances...not even ppl you love. Probably, if you're me, not even Jesus. Although He can be a pretty surprising guy, I think he might agree that the Hole is part of life and leave it up to me. I could fill it in but I probably won't because I don't feel right about filling it in and denying it. It's likely needed for drainage. More like, let's put a nice sewer grate over it so nobody falls down it, and maybe plant a few pansies around its kerb.

sometimes it snows in april...

a couple of years ago i had one of the best aprils of my life. of course it was only a loan, and i will now pay the interest on it by coping with years and years of nervous and middling, if not actually Bad, aprils. i still daily wish that the person involved would implode into a small flaming pile of poo in the gutter, and i'm sure if there is any justice in the cosmos (which I do believe there is, a jerk brings on his own punishment which is one reason I try hard not to act like a jerk even when I'm justifiably angry) something compensatory will happen to even it up, or maybe already has.

at any rate, perhaps this is one reason why this month is sort of bugging me already. or perhaps it has to do with venusian transits. whatever. there's no concrete reason, i just feel friggin' antsy and i don't care to revert back to that anxious state i was in last year where my hands felt shaky and crawly all the time, like daliesque spiders trying to detach at the wrists.

i considered packing up my lj tent and taking the month off, especially since many of my lj friends are either taking breaks or are on indefinite posting hiatus. but more likely i'll just pop in here once a day or less and write a bit more elsewhere about mundanities.
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