January 31st, 2004



the amount that i care about a handful of people just underscores how little i care about the vast majority of people. i guess i really am an all-or-nothing-at-all sort of person underneath.


trust is a funny thing

and i'm not sure how you go about building it except stay in each other's lives so long that you know exactly what somebody is good for and how far and where the weak spots are. like, i can always picture jesus and peter sitting around and peter going, "I'll never let 'em kill you! They'll have to kill me first!" and jesus going in this tired jaded voice, "Yeah, right, pete dude, you'd be SO outta there by the time the cock crowed, I know you," and peter going, "No, no way!" and jesus going, "Way. Now shaddap and pass me that wine," etc.

sometimes loving your friends means accepting that under some circumstances, they're going to be absolutely totally useless as far as having yer back.

still, it's good when you can have ppl around who are guaranteed to have your back a good bit of the time if not always. i still feel too suspicious to say i'm There, as history has shown that the vast majority of ppl one meets are ultimately untrustworthy and good only for random social or business purposes (if that). but perhaps i could safely say, "i'm Getting There."
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    wanted to say, but it comes close enuf.