January 4th, 2004

please die

some things never change. heh

I’m not talking about the kind of clothes she wears
Look at that stupid girl
I’m not talking about the way she combs her hair
Look at that stupid girl
The way she powders her nose
Her vanity shows and it shows
She’s the worst thing in this world
Well, look at that stupid girl

I’m not talking about the way she digs for gold
Look at that stupid girl
Well, I’m talking about the way she grabs and holds
Look at that stupid girl
The way she talks about someone else
That she don’t even know herself
She’s the sickest thing in this world
Well, look at that stupid girl

Well, I’m sick and tired
And I really have my doubts
I’ve tried and tried
But it never really works out

Like a lady in waiting to a virgin queen
Look at that stupid girl
She bitches ’bout things that she’s never seen
Look at that stupid girl
It doesn’t matter if she dyes her hair
Or the color of the shoes she wears
She’s the worst thing in this world
Well, look at that stupid girl

Shut-up, shut-up, shut-up, shut-up, shut-up
Shut-up, shut-up, shut-up, shut-up, shut-up
Shut-up, shut-up, shut-up

Like a lady in waiting to a virgin queen
Look at that stupid girl
She bitches ’bout things that she’s never seen
Look at that stupid girl
She purrs like a pussycat
Then she turns around and hisses back
She’s the sickest thing in this world
Look at that stupid girl
smurfoff

Happiness Is EZ (knot)

aside from the emotional stress of holidays, and an occasional (like every couple weeks or so) Really Bad Day or Nite brought on by some trigger, I've been generally happy with life lately. the best part is learning to generate the Happy from within myself, and not "standing on someone else's doorstep waiting for honey", as Colin MacInnes put it. (Note to self: order used copy of Mr. Love and Justice, the third part of MacInnes's trilogy after City of Spades and the well-known Absolute Beginners. Oddly enough, Mr. Love and Justice was not, to my knowledge, re-released in Hip Modern Graphic-Covered Strew-around-your-futon-and-look-so-cool Large Format Paperback Form with the other two back in the 80's when Bowie and the Jam were re-popularizing Beginners, and I had to get Mr. Love and Justice from the library - amazingly, the Columbia Branch HAD it (!). I figured it was worth reading for the title alone, Love and Justice being two of my favorite themes, and it came rather witty about hypocrisy and social mores and suchlike. But I digress...)

It's a little trepidatious announcing that one is Happy because, life being what it is, something Unhappy is bound to happen at some point and knock you off your seat a bit. Kurdt Blowbrain noted that about once a year you lose a significant other, friend, job or whatever and that's when you start doing the H everyday. (I thought that was about the most intelligent statement in his overall rather silly published notebooks, although in his defense, he wasn't writing for publication, just for hisself.) So you have to accept that there's going to be a fly in the soup sometimes, although it gets a bit tiring when you get so many flies you can't tell them from the wontons. That's when you have to start eating at a different restaurant I guess. Plus there seem to be many Unhappy people in the world who enjoy seeing that other people are unhappy, misery-loves-company, and just can't stand the idea that Someone, or Me Specifically, might be enjoying life while they themselves are not. **Thumbs nose and flips off such people** Plus writing about Happiness just seems vapid compared with the depths of Sadness. Therefore I will stop pawing around in this sickie cotton-candy fluffiness for now and go be Happy and mark it on my calendar so when my pendulum swings t'other way, I won't forget that it's likely to swing right back.
koaler

the dead man's float

like i said earlier i do feel happier and like i'm making progress, but it's very tiring to make a 24-hour (or make that a two-week vacation long) effort to keep your nerves in check without substances. i think some days i go through every color of the rainbow of mood and i just have to ignore them and let them pass. and sleep. and take baths.

i wonder if my system will ever settle down or did i strain it for good and all with four years of way-too-competitive school and the stuff i got myself into after. often i wish there was a war to fight. i don't want to kill people or get killed or watch people get shot and die, but it would provide an outlet for nervous energy, something Bigger Than Myself as it were, and when your body feels like it's always fighting a war anyway, what's a real one between friends? i spent the evening watching a program on escaped SS men on the History Channel. it was oddly relaxing. i should have been a Nazi hunter or a resistance fighter. eh who knows what might come down the pipe in the next 50 years, if we live.

bon wee