I swear I could reach someone easier with two Dole cans connected by a fugging clothesline than I could with your lousy telephone system. The fact that when I call in I never know where the same number will take me on two separate tries and that people including doctors calling out can't get an outside line half the time makes me think your fone wiring dates back to when Young Dr. Kildare was still (a) young and (b) on television. I would be verging on an emo distress tort suit right now if I didn't know it probably required me to run screaming into the street and get hit by a truck before I could collect, and I don't have any energy left to run screaming anywhere.
Dear Billy Bragg,
Why in the H-E-double hockey sticks did you have to cop my favorite title of all time, "Mr. Love and Justice" by Colin MacInnes, for your latest album whatsit? I know the Jam took Macinnes' "Absolute Beginners" years ago before David Bowie stole it from them. I was hoping to keep Frankie Love the pimp and Edward Justice the cop for my own thang, because I thought that was the best of MacInnes' trilogy anyway (is he still alive even? he looked old in the 80s on the back cover pics of "absolute beginners" and "city of spades" that I bought from long-defunct Olsons in G-town...or maybe that was on the even older hardback of "Mr. Love and Justice" that I had to dig up at the Columbia library due to its not being rereleased then) but now you've made it so a whole gingeration of Pitchdorks will dredge that book out again and it will be reissued in a stunningly moderne paperback edition and utterly ruined as anything speshul and pertickular to me. Because of that, I'm glad I missed yer show and still annoyed that you never made up for that 1986 or whenever it was hooha with Customs even if your absence did mean I got to see the Minutemen play twice in one swell night before d. boon went off and died.