no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

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Things I learned about myself this week...

1) I'm uncharacteristically depressed about work. This was bothering me until I realized that both this period and the last period of uncharacteristic work-related depression occurred when I was forced to work with someone who apparently lacks the skills for their position and screwed up my projects in a big way...twice. I think this second time will be the last time as steps have been taken to put someone else on the project who seems to know what they're doing. So, yay. It's not me or the job and I'm not going crazy.

2) I lack coping skills for living a normal day-to-day life without any big upheavals, disruptions, or excitements in it. I don't "blame" this on my parents but I think my mom's way of coping was to continuously keep changing jobs and moving around the country. When she stopped doing that and actually had to alight in one place and live day-to-day, she didn't handle it well. It was too much same-old same-old. As for me, I didn't move around a lot in terms of city-to-city, and I don't like changing jobs or changing living spaces, but I did cope by going to school a lot. I think it always felt like a fresh start, a chance to make things better or right. I could conceivably go back to school again, but I don't want to. I want to learn to actually live in the world and get along day-to-day without feeling bored or antsy or like my mom is going to pop out of a closet and yell IT'S TOO QUIET IN HERE WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO EACH OTHER WHY DON'T YOU PLAY MUSIC WHY DON'T YOU DANCE HOW CAN YOU JUST SIT AND BE QUIET AND HAVE A BORING AFTERNOON HOW HOW HOW. I feel like when I wasn't going to school in the past, I've often manufactured drahmah or been too quick to get involved in others' drama just because I felt like a piece was missing without all that goin' on, and I didn't start to calm down from it until about 2004 or whenever it was I decided to start sending a few people packing, mentally speaking - it's not like they'd been physically around but they were more like psychic vampires who kind of hung around not being the way I wanted them to be and thus sucking my brainsap while I wondered about them.

3) I don't like, and have never liked, playing with dolls or toys in the traditional sense. I don't like to dress dolls up in different outfits. I don't particularly like to photograph them. I like to admire their beauty maybe a little, but not as much into that as some people. I don't like to make up stories about them as characters, or at least not all the time - once in a while is fine but if I thought every one had to have a biography, that's like, too much work. I just want them around because it makes me feel better to have a lot of dolls around. Not even in the sense of "getting something new and untouched" because I used to keep my toys nice even as a child, and it was kind of a rare occasion when one got broke or ruined in a major way. Just to have around. I'm sure doctors have written many psychological studies on the "collector mentality" and yadayadayada, I don't see anything too bad with it as long as it doesn't get so out of hand that I have more than I have space for (which could happen if I don't watch it, the same way I *could* drink every night of the week if I don't watch it and make sure to stop when the little switch in mah brain says You've Had Enough for a while). I remember being frustrated as a child when parents wouldn't want to buy me a toy because "You have too many toys! You hardly play with the ones you've got!" Playing wasn't the point. Greed wasn't the point either. My anxiety, and perhaps my addictive personality, THAT was the point. I don't blame them for not realizing because it's taken me almost 45 years to understand my own brain on this issue. Anyway I don't think there's anything Bad about me being this way, but it helps to just acknowledge it because it explains a lot of why/ how I feel like I don't fit in with the vast majority of hobbyists who are more into clothes, pictures, stories and lots of other stuff that just isn't my trip, baby.
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