no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

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In Which I Get Stabby And I Don't Know Why.

Drank beers last night, messaged with The Heed and other friends abt Matters of Pressing Import mostly to us. I fell asleep early (like 10 pm) only to wake up at 12:30 am and be unable to fall back to sleep for four hours. I laid awake for at least an hour obsessing over a pendant I want to make that started out conceptually looking like a flipped British pound sign and ended up looking more like dancing Ganesh, which is not what I wanted, no dis on Ganesh it's just not where I was headed. I futzed with its dwg till I got it to look more like a putt-putt green, which is more where I was going with it. I'll come back to the pound sign as soon as I get home to photoslop as the biggest I can make it in Word is 72 point which is way too wee.

I am also mildly obsessed with recreating the Cleveland, Ohio token/charm/die stamped whatever that's in one of daigor0's usericons. I have figured out a way that this can likely be done but how well I can do it is up for grabs. If someone would like to blast me for non-creativity in filching ideas from relative strangers' usericons, please feel free and also feel free to fall off a ten-story building when you're finished. I'll wave as you pass my window.

Incidentally this is getting my work-work done like nobody's business. Stuff like this is why I don't drink much, because, in addition to putting weight on me, it sets off various weird parts of my brain that have to all be rounded up and put back in their kennels so I can make the donuts. Too bad I couldn't be Frank O'Hara and make an actual living as a professional drunk dashing off random poems and curating art shows and dying young after getting hit by a jeep on the beach at Fire, maybe not.

I was wondering this morning why I want to smash the vast majority of people whose thoughts I read lately (not my f-list, you're all all right, I mean other ppl). In some cases it is easy to get as the ppl in question are boring passive consumer nothings. For example, if you spend all your off time playing vid games or watching teevee, and you're not a game designer or a scriptwriter, you're probably a waste of oxygen except that I guess game designers and scriptwriters need you so they can eat. Which is all kind of pathetic and Let's not think abt it anymore.

Where I can't understand myself, though, is when I disconnect with certain ppl who seem, outwardly, to be trying to do something positive for other ppl/ the planet/ themselves and aren't just waiting for Friday to come so the can blow their pay on food, booze and the latest stupid speshul effects blockbuster. Why do I have more innate understanding/empathy for admitted criminals sitting in prison than I do for people who are supposedly trying to "help others"? After some thought I decided that the "helpful" people I dislike act as if they are showing off all the time. Like their own self-esteem depends on people seeing them as Good and Helpful and saying "oh what a sweet and giving and talented and healing person you are." And I throw up a little in my mouth cuz I hate that shit, it's like the Helpful People are farging showing off all the time. Look How Great I Am. Whereas many people in prison (tho not all) are beyond that showing off, and are just trying to survive. At least that's how they present to me.

I've also accepted that I'm never going to like many "doll people." Period. Final. End of episode. No matter how nice they are, the whole "Oh gee I was sooooooooo bored on Saturday so I redid my doll's faceup for the 45th time and here are 25 new pictures of him!" is never going to be something I can relate to or even care abt generally. Much less the whole "I'm going to Dollectable, or Volks Dolpa No. Umpty-fratteen" (I.e. Dumb ass doll conventions that cost money to goto and then when you get there the main point is to sell you ten tons of other stuff that costs mo' money and mostly ends up being sold off on forum marketplaces, eBay or Yahoo Japan by the end of the month) "and who Who WHO of my 10 dollz should I take? I want to take Frick but he's too big to carry around easily, and I thought abt taking Frack but his faceup might scratch on the aeroplane, and Frunk is too expensive and someone might steal him there...I can't decide!! Oh, help me decide, people!"


So I'm taking my toys and going home, figuratively speaking...just aint got nuttin' to say to those ppl. Wish 'em well and all that, but gots to get back to my home planet naow and figure out wtf I'm doing.

British kitchen sink dramas from the 50s make postwar poor Britain look like a picturesque, fun and lively existence populated by handsome young Albert Finneys. I'm thinking it must have been considerably less fun in RL.

Man it sure is another gorgeous day out. I think I'll really go to hell with myself and have a second Diet Dr. Pepper in a 24-hr time period. With Motrin!!
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