no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

All that glitters is gold/ Only shooting stars grow mold.

Apparently it's Drunk Lawyer Awareness Month. Washington Lawyer magazine, which is one of about 43 lawyer magazines that shows up in my mail box every month (for each bar or bar association I join I get about two new magazines free - add in all the magazines that are sent by my various alumni associations and I have a small library piling up every month), has, in its Featured Interview spot which is usually occupied by lawyers who say things like "I remember I was sitting on the bumper of a car parked on 15th street with Robert Kennedy one day and he offered me a job running his campaign blahblahblah," instead has an interview with the Head of the DC Lawyer Assistance Program. You know, that little office you go down to when you want to turn yourself in for drinking or drugging or gambling or embezzling money from your trust account. You can conceivably go down there just to chat about Job Stress as well and I was considering it for a while but instead I ended up just saying Oh the hell with it and told a couple people at my firm what had happened to me at the last two places and I have to say that since I got that the hell out in the open like the engineer I am (Engineers never hesitate to say they were laid off or even Fired because they know it Wasn't Their Fault just like I know all the bad things that happened to me Weren't My Fault either) I feel much better and don't need any counseling.

I only read this issue of the magazine because it had a feature on Animal Law with cute polar bears on the cover. Polar bears are much much cuter than lawyers, and Al Gore is no dummy. Then I open it up and even Jacob Stein whose column I usually greatly enjoy has got something on the drunkenness of the 5th Street Irregulars (a legendary cadre of lousy DC criminal lawyers who, if you hang around DC and talk to enough old pre-Warren Court types, you never stop hearing about, thus proving that a colorful character will preserve your memory in legal history as much as or more so than mad skillz). Then there's the interview with the Lawyer Assistance lady in her pinky jacket who sez If you think you have a Problem then you probably have a Problem. What was really funny is they listed "Internet addiction" as the hawt new thang right behind drink, drugz and gambling. The reason it was so funny (besides that I'm posting it here) is I read the latest issue of AmLaw right after that and some firm had a big ad in it touting how it was so cutting edge it could protect all yer virtual shite and it showed some hipster (obviously the image of Self that some lawyers would Like to have) moseying down a street in some Second Lifey landscape. Internet addiction, pah. Unless they're talking about looking at porn on there, which I don't doubt some people are addicted to.

Let's put it this way: I largely gave up drinking - there's a Corona in my cupboard at work that I stole from the March Madness party. It's been there for two weeks cuz I haven't had time to drink it. I don't do drugs, never did. I'm dieting again so there goes the snack food addiction. I'm paying off tha resin bill, I quit trying to Have Relayshunshipz, I don't enjoy sex well enuf to pull an Eliot Spitzer, I even walked away from two overpriced handbags I saw up the street. So you can take mah Internet when you pry it from mah cold ded hands. Silly.
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