no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

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Agnoy, Agnoy, Agnoy.

I'm having a hard time expressing my feelings on here again because when someone disses my feelings, my first impulse is to take me and everything I feel and hop Down the Rabbit Hole. This has got to stop, though. My feelings are just as valid, important and OK as everybody else's feelings; in some cases, perhaps more so as last I looked, I was not mentally ill, a drunk or a pill freak and therefore do not suffer from the distorted perceptions and tendency to abuse others that such people do, because they feel so crap about themselves or just don't feel Right.

Anyway, I don't feel so good today. I was physically illish yesterday - apparently low iron or stress or bad blood sugar or something caught up to me and I ended up feeling incredibly faint for much of the afternoon. It took me about two hours to get a bath because first I fell asleep in the bathtub and then when I got out I felt woozy every two minutes and had to stop and get down on the floor and put my head on the bathroom tiles till I un-woozed enough to get back up and put on another article of clothing. When I finally got my act together I got Ted to take me out to La Madeleine to eat something that didn't come on a bun and contained veggies, so we ate some el cheapo boeuf bourgignon while being treated to free entertainment by a singing busboy (he was singing hymns in a French-African accent while clearing the tables, it was cute). I had about one glass of wine with dinner, came home and fell asleep, with the predictable result that I woke up at 4 am (every bird in the neighborhood goes off like an alarm at that hour; the number of singing birds this time of year in this area rivals the Amazon rainforest) and had a mild anxiety attack (probably around a 4 or 5 on the Richter scale) and then went back to sleep, had disturbing dreams in which I was about to possibly become the victim of some serial killer I met online, and did not wake up until 11 am in a totally groggy state.

This 4 am anxiety attack sleep pattern blows a goat and I don't mean Frank but I am not sure what to do about it except keep on keepin' on and maybe just expect it to happen once in a while. (The first person who suggests a Doctor or a Pill, I will punch. I haven't even been able to get my ass together to go to a doctor for the cholesterol test and outpatient surgery (hopefully minor) that I need more than an anxiety cure at this point.) I'm also not sure how to manage my nerves when I'm not burying them in work. I've realized that college was four years of utter absolute Hell and I don't know how I would have gotten through it without Dead Guy, also that the reason I probably liked law and biz skewel so much is that I regularly got drunk for about 3 out of the 4 years I was there, which was fine at the time but I don't intend to be keeping that up for the rest of my life and frankly, haven't because I don't have time for more than one drink every 1 or 2 weeks.

I am often angry that people don't seem to cut me any sort of break for the fact that I try to keep distractions down in my life so I can function. If I don't want to deal with you or some other idiot right now, there's a reason: I'm already on overload and whatever you, your friends or some other ass did it just added more to the pile. Get the fuck off my pile, get the fuck away from me and leave me alone if you're not going to be helpful. It's taking too much of my energy to be polite to you when I want to tell you how I really feel, which is that you are doing NOTHING good for me whatsoever, and that I'm sure you have some purpose on the planet but not in my space. What part of GET AWAY do you NOT understand, fucker? Do you enjoy being a harassing, abusing dickwad? Because that is what you're being when I ask you nicely and you don't go.

Whew, I feel like I just lost 5 lbs. off the pile right there.

It feels good.
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