no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

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The Greatest Un-love Of All.

And so this is Valentine's Day, and I'm not in love with anybody for a change. Which is a g-d relief. I can eat Hershey's, read true crimes, look at hunks of artsy resin online for hours (well, after I get off work) and generally enjoy the hell out of myself without worrying abot what someone else is or is not doing or thinking (probably not much on either count) or whether they will call (HAHAHAHA).

Don't get me wrong, I still love Ted. I would imagine he still loves me tho I haven't checked in with him for a few hours. But we are not In Love. We never have been. I'm beginning to think that's the best way to stay together 20 or 25 years. Ted's never gotten in the way of my having a good time. Once he bitched at me for wanting him to drive me to a Wretched Buckner concert on my birthday and I became irate. He also ruined our first Christmas as married peeps by getting sick to his stomach and not eating the Xmas dinner I spent all day cooking, an activity which I have considerable mixed feelings abt from the get-go. That has been about the extent of Major Ted Drama in our household. Evar.

Contrast this with other ppl over the years who've felt a need to call or e-mail me pitching a bitch about some minor shite, to disappear from all contact for weeks or even months at a time, to make threats, et cetera. Uh yeah. So done with all that. Degree of Desired Doneness Done.

Every week I look back at my life and want to take the Me who thought a weelayshunship would make me whole, cheer me up, or be anything but a headache 9 times out of 10 and I want to shake that me by the collar and holler. Yet I know that was a phase I had to go through to get to Here where I actually feel capable of surviving and having a good life without relying on anyone else to care about me.

I would still like to fall in love with someone and have it be nice and fun and without a lot of responsibility or drama. This could happen, but I am not holding my breath, can live real well without it and from here on out the minute you get on my nerves your ass is out the door. No more cutting breaks, putting up with bad habits or criticism. I'm too old to want to bother, and that's a good thing.

I'm sitting here asking myself if I'm just trying to talk myself into something or if these are Famous Last Words. Thee majik 8-ball is pointing up NO on both counts. Hey you Valentines kidz, just love yerselves. Cuz yer self is the one partner you'll never get rid of.
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