no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

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This is an excerpt from a comment I made on another blog. I don't put it here to make anyone mad and I hope it won't be taken that way; people are entitled to say what they want on their own blawgs and get it out of their system, and when I've been blawgfriends with someone for a long while I feel like I can also express myself without them getting pissy with me. I am reposting it here on my own journal not out of any disrespect for the original poster, but because it is something I need to say out loud at this point in my personal development and just be honest about it in the Geneen Roth sense of the word. Whatever anyone might think of Geneen Roth, and I'll admit I haven't kept up with her doings in the last ten years, she was the one who, with her "Breaking Free" books, finally did inspire me to stop hating on myself and using food and self-hate as tools of punishment to inflict on myself because I felt bad and powerless when someone didn't love me or didn't love me Right. She writes in those books how when she started letting herself eat again, she went from something like 110 lbs. to 200 lbs., and the people who loved her didn't care, they thought she was beautiful because they were looking at her insides, the outsides were not so important. And so it was with me. I don't want friends who will congratulate me or be happier for me when I'm thin rather than when I'm "fat"; assuming that I'm not so huge that I can't walk right or can't fit in an airplane seat (which I never have been), I want friends who love me the same way, all the time, for always, when I am fat, when I am thin, when I am sick, when I am old. If your love doesn't run that way, if it changes based on my shell, leave me alone. I've had enough of that, I don't need you, I don't want you.

Comment excerpt follows.

"Thirdly, to the extent people are fat, they don't need your pity or your insults or even your discussion and in fact the healthiest thing for them to do would be to tell you nicely to fuck off. Seriously, fat is a very personal choice. I can tell you exactly why I got fat: because I was tired of not eating in order to try and be skinny so I could be repeatedly hurt by guys who wanted to fuck me. It's taken me years to both deal with those feelings, come to terms with my body so I don't hate it, and develop healthy, workable eating patterns. I have recently, within the last couple years, reached the point where I feel comfortable letting some of the weight go, but comments like yours make me angry and emotional and stir up all the bad shit again. I'm not mad at you, and I even understand some of your frustration - like when I see a woman who is over 300 lbs, i.e. fat to the point of having difficulty just walking around, going out to some restaurant and eating enough food for a week (I never ate like that in my life, even when I was not giving a shit what I ate - but then again I never passed 200 lbs let alone got to 300). But at the same time, it's a choice, they come to grips with it themselves, and take the steps they're comfortable taking, and you gotta respect that and not just assume everybody is a stupid sheep. xoxo"
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