on some level I feel completely alone, and I have for many years. once in a great while, maybe 3 or 4 times, I've met someone I thought could fill the void, maybe. it never worked out for more than a short time, and at this point I'm not holding out hope that it ever will.
whatever lack there is has not kept me from living a generally full and happy life. because life, or at least My life, happens on a variety of parallel levels, on most of which I've been happy and blessed to the point where it would be st0opid to get depressed over a 20 percent maximum happiness lack in the total caused by the levels where I havent been batting a thousand so far. I have also been done for a few years now with putting up with people who annoy me in order to have some ersatz kind of "friendship", you know that kind where people don't talk to me for six weeks/months/years, make me wonder when/if I'll ever hear from 'em again, or bitch all the time.
I do have some friends who I only talk to once a year or something, but I don't kid myself they're good friends or really anything more than People I Knew Once who I keep in touch with cuz they're decent and we're mildly interested in each other - the "mildly" being becuz our lives went in different directions and we don't have a shit ton in common. I don't have nor want a lot of ppl in this category, and them wot are generally are preoccupied with raising kids and/or living a very different life from me. And needless to say they don't bitch at me or make me feel insecure like if I piss them off they're history. Because when anybody acts like that, I'll walk away first. No one is worth that kind of aggro and abuse. I'd rather be by myself than that.
I'm glad I don't have to make a new year's resolution abt this cuz like I said I have already been living this way for a while. It's one less thing to have to cleanup or fix.