no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

A disconnect in the spiderweb.

Since I turned 38 or 43 or wotever age I am now that I don't feel a need to Lie abt like some, I just honestly Forget and have to remind myself by Remembering that when JFK died, I was just born - but anyway - I've noticed this tendency of wimmen around my age to engage in long girl-talky discussions with each other abt stuff they think is sexxy, people they think are hott. I did a reasonable or even generous amt of such conversating with my friends as a teenager, abt actors, and models in magazines, and most of all musicians of course. I wonder why I largely can't do it now, or don't want to, and why having to listen to my fellow old biddys yammer on abt hawtness, and make pantpant or elegant mrrrrrrooowww comments about movies or photos or drawrings or sculpted figures, leaves me cold and a little ill. What, if anything, happened to me to make me different from them?

I'm kind of discreet, but I'm not a prude. I've had my years of going out in revealing clothes, just to see (what I mostly saw was males acting like idiots because I was in public in a nightie or a corset, which frankly didn't make me think too highly of them as stupidity turns me off). I've had my years of having sex every day or a couple times a day and it was alternately nice and very nice and dull and annoying, having nothing to do with the technique of the partner. You could be the greatest and I'm probably still not going to be "into it" every day, because some days, perhaps many days, I'm busy and my mind is elsewhere. I realized a long time ago that I clearly have a lower drive than many people, but it's not dead. I do find a person attractive once in a while, including people I know, people I don't know, and famuss peeple. Key word being "once in a while" and not "every hour on the hour" or even "on a regular basis."

I guess it's the regularity of other people's needs and desires and expression that weirds me out, that's where I disconnect. I used to rant and rave abt ppl who talked about sex all the time because it was time they could have spent talking abt or doing something else that I found more interesting, and instead everybody's brain and convo kept coming back to sex. It's like if everybody decided to talk all the time about Lord of the Rings, or Al Bore. It's just dull. And that's how I feel when these wimmen get going. It's. Just. Dull. And in this culture, saying sex is dull is like you just broke the Eleventh Reverse Commandment or something. Immediately ppl call you names and treat u like a freak. So I don't say anything, I just go looking for the door.

I suppose it would also help if most of the people in my life that I ever "did things" with hadn't acted like complete idiots or jerks by the time we got to the last act. That doesn't fully 'splain it though cuz there are at least three still walking around on this earth who I got along with a bit of all right, including in the hay. Still, I've always pretty much thought the Native American view of sex, or at least the Southwestern Native American view was correct, I.e. that sex was a bit of a cosmic joke. Penises make me laugh, although if you're the type of person who works a dick joke or reference into every line of your convo I will probably think you're pathetically obsessed and stop laughing. It's like any other joke, too many repeats wears the funny off.

And once in a while I subscribe to the Catholic idea that sex is something pretty special. For my ownself personally, I decided many years ago, when I was about oh 22, that I didn't want to have it randomly anymore. I just didn't feel like dealing with that. I wanted it to be part of some Greater understanding or not at all. I wish I had a logical reason for why my feelings changed overnite, the best I can say is it had to do with this son of a gay ex-minister who came over one day to get laid and me realizing halfway through that I wasn't feeling a damn thing and calling a halt about 1/4 of the way in and then me thinking for a long time I was in love with someone (someones?) else, which turned out to be a real fustercluck in the end, and makes me very glad in retrospeckt that Schlivejhernal wasn't around back then because I wouldn't want to now have to go back and read the kind of fuddled entries that 22-23-26-year-old me would of made trying to suss this all out.

The glory of being Old is that life finally makes Sense. The Legos just start to align. And me being impatient, I can't understand why they didn't just up and do that 20 years ago awready. Why does it take such a long time to get between squares on the chessboard? Like alice in wanderland. And Then - I look and see everybody else's legos lined up a different way, and my house doesn't look like their houses, and while I don't think it should or has to, necessarily, I never quite understand the differences. I am a person too, I feel things and want love and fun just like evrybody else does. I am just using a different claim construction. Apparently.

P.S. I am making this public, because any harm or derision anyone wishes to inflict as a result will turn back and strike them. As I am quite sure it already has over other things.
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