I wish to hell I could have back all that time I frittered away on boyfriends and such when I was younger, and apply it to something, Anything else constructive. Languages or music or metal or glass or sewing or math, I don't care wot, just Something Else. It's like I had to go through all of that so I could say Ho kay, Checked that box, on to the next attraction.
I cannot figure out why some people still devote so much of their life and time to relationships, except that I'm standing in a glass greenhouse cuz when it's felt Right I do the same. And sometimes I still get lonely and I'm starting to hate that more and more the more it seems linked in my mind to biochemistry. It's not a "real" feeling, it's more like frickin' PMS and it is In My Way. I want to have fun, I want to have a good life, I want to LIVE dammit. I don't want to have my upsanddowns dependent on whether someone calls or speaks or smiles or not. You wanna call or speak or smile pls do. You don't wanna, well ok but I don't wanna think for more than five minutes about it and I sure don't wanna think for five years about it like I used to do.
I wish I could find an island of people who were so happy and busy and involved in interesting stuff that being A Couple, Or Not, just wasn't that important. Those sorts of contacts are the best kind. I can be an island unto myself when my damn physical insides aren't arguing with that. Which, to give them credit, they don't do often.
A time to embrace, a time to refrain from embracing.
I spent a couple years of my life out of the last few in "time to embrace" mode. But i'm deffo well back into "refrain" mode now like I haven't been since I started law skewel. I hope it continues.
Don't stand so close to me.