Yesterday I got an e-mail from some clown in the admin office pimping a new seminar being offered at a discount to students, called "Creating a Professional Image" or some such tripe. Ok well not to knock it, I imagine some of the sto0dents who plan to actually support themselves selling their work could use some practical tipz, even if most of the kids here do seem to have rich daddies' phone nos. tucked away in their grungy hip pockets.
This seminar purpotedly would teach us to professionally photograph our work. Well, ok, I'll grudgingly admit that's useful, it's not like me and Naomi (hey, where the hell Is Naomi anyway?) haven't yakked about CloudDomes many a time. But the next topic it covers is "how to write an Artist's Statement." They lost me there.
I have never understood the purpose of Artist's Statements. Art is a bigger res ipsa loquitur than a plane plummeting abruptly from the sky. And when I go to a gallery expecting and hoping to be touched or moved or engaged by the artwerx, I don't exactly go rushing over first thing to the Artist's Statement so s/he can explain the point of the visuals to me in words. I wanna puzzle it out and just ...LOOK without needing to also be Told.
On top of that, most Artist's Statements are so incredibly arch, if not downright pretentious, that I can't imagine penning one of them. If I absolutely *had* to write an Artist's Statement, I'd probably come up with something like this, which is sort of a cross between cat_macros, Flaming Carrot comics, old Ahnold Schwarzenegger movies, and Josh's Myspazz page:
HAI GAIS MY NAME IS ARTIE THE ArTiSt
I MAK STUFF. WHY? YOU MIGHT ASK.
BCUZ OTHERWISE I'D GO NUTS AND JUMP OUT DA WINDOW!
I MAK STUFF OUT O'METALS
2 MAK STUF 4 U, FIRST I SAW SAW SEE SAW SAW, SEE?
THEN I FILE FILE FILE LIKE I IN SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION.
THEN I SOLDER SOLDER SOLDER TILL IT GETS HOT HOT HOT!
IF I R LUCKY THE PEICE DUZN'T MELT MELT MELT.
WHEN IT DUZ MELT, I SWARE A LOT AND STOMP MY FEETS!
BUT WHEN I GET ONE ALL DUN I AM HAPPY HAPPEE HAPPENISS!
WELL, I HOPE U LIKE MY SHINY STUFF THAT DIDN'T MELT!
NOW WON'T U PLZ BUY SUM?
THEN I CAN MAK MOAR STUPH!
N' WEE CN ALL B HAPPY HAPPY HAP-PEE!
Yeh, that would really rake in the salez, awards and grantz like nobody's business, hmmm? It's what I feel though, and as such would be the most sincere statement I could make, except for the selling line, cuz Homey don't play that.