no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

Why Hate?

A great deal of this journal, at least since it became The Shrine of Our Lady of Perpetual Exasperation, has been me posting about how much I hate This and that. This journal was a little more positively focused, or at least Uncertain in its focus, before Crap Happened a few yrs ago that really wrawcked my world not in a Good way, and sent me back into the Full Moon & Angry Arms for good. It's moot now because as I've mentioned before or to some of you, as regards the biggest part of said crap, I've (finally) reached the point of feeling nothing there, no good no bad, just a blank. Like a chapter in a book I read once that moved the plot along but emotionally doesn't involve me. As I predicted, it took me abt 5 years to fully detach.

Perhaps the detachment is why I now find myself turning a critical eye towards Stuff I Hate. Not that I'm now thinking that hatin' on Stuff is Wrong - assuming u don't get too carried away I think strong emotion is best acknowledged, not buried. And you don't need anyone's permission to feel how you feel, either. I just love how this society says it's cool to hate on Nazis, anyone who's accused of harming kids (regardless of proof) and exes esp if they "cheated" (regardless of circumstances), but that same society will say it's wrong Wrong wrong to hate on some resident Mr. Nice Guy even if he did shite to you that messed u up for years, never apologized for it or even acknowledged it, and basically just kept acting like a jackass twice a year till you put the kibosh on it for good.

Society or community or whatsit does not run MY feelings.

But anyway,

What I mean by "Critical Eye" is I'm getting more interested in Why I feel that way than in just Feeling it. I've allowed myself to feel, now I can ask Why with an open mind. I have a natural tendency to always ask Why a person (other than me) feels or acts some controversial way, rather than just do the kneejerk thang and get all mad esp when they are trying to provoke. But applying that to oneself is harder. First cuz it's easier to just beat up on yourself and say "I'm shit, That's why," go to jail go directly to jail do not pass Go do not collect $100. That makes about as much sense as when I told myself guys didn't love me because I was ugly and fat when I weighed 135 lbs, but self-blame's an easy approach and takes a while to get past.

Second it's hard cuz u have to set your Own emotions aside to rationally look at Why do I feel this way. And if like me you're trying to give yourself Permission to Feel again, setting that aside contradicts yer aim.

So, it's like the Geneen Roth approach to weight control. You have to give yourself permission to eat and get all that out of your system before you can focus on WHY you eat and get around to not wanting to eat as much. Similarly, you have to let yourself Feel and just go apeshit with that and blow off the emo steam before you can consider WHY you feel a certain way and WHY you hate, or strongly dislike something or someone.
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