no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

  • Mood:

It's back to normal, and it's your night to feed the cat.

There's a part of me that wants to abandon Myself to love like Open City, to toss all responsibilities aside and write a big fat LOVE IS ALL across the sky like Wallis Warfield did in her yearbook, way before she was Simpson, much less Duchess, and Live That Way. Drop the mop in the middle of the kitchen floor, fiddle with the checkbook Some other time - Love's the most important thing so go tend to That First. I've done that, from time to time, with mixed results. There's memories I wouldn't trade for a million dollars (but maybe you offer me 2 million, we talk, eh? :P) and also Pain and disaster so extreme that I thought emotionally, and at least once physically, I thought I would not survive. And I don't mean suicidally speaking. I mean as in organs gone haywire so bad without any sort of booze or drug encouragement, even. From shock on top of stress.

thing is, I survive precisely Because there's also a part of me that Refuses to give up the grip on reality and fall into the total Fool Pool For Love. The part that says, This is all very nice for a while but yr gonna come back to this Dirty kitchen floor and a stack of billz, so u better not be gone too long or Lose too much of yoself out there yanno? (It's probably located near the parts that say "Ding-dong, you're drinking too much" or "you're eating too much" or "you're Internetting too much" et cetera.) As the Guess Who sed, HANG ON TO YOUR LIFE. Cuz you know when you Do get back to it and that druggie feeling of passioninnyty has passt, Life is often pretty good just on its own. I like shopping for diner cups in junk stores. I like making little thingies. I even like mopping the floor and fixing the checkbook. And when I'm not all consumed with *Joy* or *Pain* or *Both* or *Not sure* over some romantic bullshit, I have Brainspace to enjoy all this other stuff. To enjoy My unsubsumed Life.

I dunno how it works for other ppl. I suspect there's a Spectrum. I see ppl who can't get their butts off the couch unless they're having a Grand Mal Passion Fit over Something. If need be they will Fabricate a crise with the mailman. And others like Ted who are so flat that one lil' Emo blip on the screen upsets their digestion for 2 days straight. Me, I am in the Middle where the Balancing sign usually is, and there is something in my chart, I forget what, that says as much as I may Outwardly Rebel Against Structure (i.e. All that bitching I do on here HELLO), secretly I find Structure Useful for Control and Organization and benefit from it. Boxes as Tools or Toys, not Traps.

I am thinking this way because sometimes Forgetting about someone makes me as happy as Thinking about them, and I don't mean in a bad or Get-thee-gone sorta way. I mean, I just don't wanna Have to think about Them, or anyone else in their place, every dang minute. Any more than I want chocolate for three meals a day.
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