story of the year (Some year or years or other, not likely this one)
You meet a person, or a couple People (but if you are like me, not more than one or two, because meeting a whole bunch of people is...Too much, when the point is not to have some big honkin' partay, but, to - excuse the expression, it's been SO ruined, but anyway..."connect" with one or two souls)
And they're fun, and make you laugh, and you can dance to it
One thing leads to another, you get friendlier the friendlier you get...
By this point you can see that this person, or peoplez, are involved in their own little scene of even more peepulz, which if you are like me, makes you a bit trepidatious...after all I learned way back in grade school that you don't go barging up to groups of people saying, "Hi, I'm so-and-so and I'd like to play with you." Because they look at each other, and kind of snicker...sometimes they say "No, you can't play" but even if they "let" you, you feel like an idiot...
having to be "let play"...please...it's more fun to play by yourself than go through that...
Usually there are little rituals to be followed, getting in good with one person and then meeting their friends and doing what they like to do and not pissing anyone off, till they decide if you are OK
You may get to a point of being tired of that sort of thing, to the point where you just decide it's a foregone confusion you likely won't fit in or you're not even that interested in doing so, generally speaking...
But you meet someone or someones and like I said they are Nice and Fun or so they seem and they open a leetle window on their life, so you go to wherever they are and you meet some of their friends, see where they hang out...
It is all very pleasant, you are imagining that maybe, just maybe, you could make it work, you could put on your friendliest face and try...maybe be something different from what you are thinking you are
You make a whole Colorforms picture in your head of the things you might do, the places you might go, the ways in which you might contribute...pasting yourself and your buddies here and there into certain little backdrops
You leave the Scene thinking you will certainly be back, and it's a whole new world opening and a New Day Rising.
Shortly thereafter, something goes severely haywire with the film
You have a falling out or something with somebody. Oftentimes it's one of those Break-Up thangs. And it becomes very clear you will not be going back There again. To where that person is, to where their friends are. Probably not ever
You not only lose a Person or Two but you lose all the good stuff that accompanied it...talking with other friends, seeing new places, having fun
You may investigate alternative Get-back methods but they don't work
It becomes quite clear that no one at whatever enchanted universal address this was particularly wants to be Your Friend, and the door is shut pretty firmly in your face, figuratively or in some cases even Literally
You don't fit. FIN
Now as much as it may hurt momentarily, this is probably a good thing to know because there are places in the world that you Do fit and it's just a matter of finding them or having already Found them
And when you find a place where you do fit, that feels like Home, or even IS Home, well it's no wonder you'd guard it perhaps rather jealously against interlopers
Perhaps even inflicting the same exclusion upon other people who will pretend that it does not bother them and really it doesn't as a Big Overall Life Deal but maybe it did for thirty seconds or longer
It's just cuz wherever you are Allowed To Be means so much to ya.
I din't post this before because I didn't want it to look like I was depressed when really it's just Something I've been thinking for a long time, about the people and places that feel like my Real Home, and the people and places where I feel like I have been locked out, can never safely be, and will probably never see again. And what a shame that is - if indeed it's a shame at all.