no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

The Gulf.

If I had to put into words one thing that creates a distance, difference or chasm between me and other people, it's this: I don't think that living for a house, a partner, a couple of kids and a pet is enough. It's not enough for me personally, and to the extent it's enough for other people, I don't totally understand that. It doesn't mean I hate everybody who lives that way; I do have couple-y friends and others who are likely to go down that road just based on how their lives are shaping up. But for me, it's (a) boring and (b) if not managed creatively, it's a huge, soul-sucking trap that gets in the way of me being Me.

I've been called selfish, cold, all kinds of other adjectives over this. I've reached the point of not giving a shit over what other people say or think about me. There are always going to be some of us for whom "normal"-assed life is simply insufficient. Most of us try, at some point, to fit into it. I know I did. In hindsight, I don't think it's an accident that during that "trying" period I spent two periods of about six months to a year partially to fully physically incapacitated. When the brain ain't happy, the body often follows, just to drain off the negativity.

If I were a "professional" artist or musician or writer, I feel like people would be more accepting of this. Oh, artists are driven. They *have* to do something beyond the ordinary. Similarly, if I were some sort of sex-party-attention freak or daredevil thrillseeker, people would figure I was a drama or excitement junkie.

I am none of the above things. I am just someone for whom turning the plain vanilla family-values crank is not enough. And I also think living through other people is the worst habit in the world. If they go, when they go---and people Do go, spouses and kids die or leave---you are left with nothing, if you don't have a Life fully contained in Your Own Self.

I wonder if half the people who give me shit for expressing that in one way or another were frustrated in their own lives when they realized only so much meat would fit on their personal sandwich and most of the filling was going to end up being spouse/kids/mortgage. Or maybe they're worried that the person they "own" might feel the same way and just not be telling them. Maybe they don't have such a grip on their reality as they think they do. Perhaps they see someone finding their personal choices uninteresting as being somehow a dis or a looking down on them. It's more like they just live on some different continent than me, and we can wave from opposite shores, but we can't really get together.

I don't think I'm particularly unconventional. Just more outspoken about it, I guess.
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