no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

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Fact: I spend a lot of time every day cursing the person who made me afraid to talk to people and who helped make me feel like I couldn't do anything.
Fortunately I, with the help of a few magical witches and wizards known as my Parents and Other Helpful People (and believe me, if you are a Helpful Person in my life you are up there with the godz of old) was strong enough to overcome everybody who made me feel like that.
Unfortunately, strength takes effort. I am often very tired from beating the demons down.
I know I am supposed to be working towards, or perhaps just eventually reaching without effort, a state of relatively demon-free enlightenment---I picture the dance lesson where Kelly taught us to just BE on tiptoe, just rise up naturally, don't PUSH up, don't look like you're working because that's wrong and looks ugly and eventually causes injury to the point where you will have to be shot up with novocaine to dance at all.
Just BE on frigging tiptoe, dammit!! Just BE...

And some days I can do it and it's so easy, and some days I can't.
Worst of all is the fear just short of certain knowledge that if it wasn't That Person who brought you all down like quicksilver, it would have been someone else. Because it's Destiny, or Fate, or Me handing over the power. Like in Jesus Christ Superstar where Judas feels incredibly pressured to betray, it's like he doesn't want to do it but he HAS to because that's how it's written.
That's how it was written for me. And I wrote it. So it all comes back to forcing others into bad-guy mode and it all being My Fault.

But there's the pair a' doc's in the cone a' drum. Because it is *not*my*fault.
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