no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

Heeeeyyyyyyy Jimmy Hoffaaa-aaaaa

There is integrity in New Jersey, of this you may be sure, but it is buried somewhere within the Meadowlands, alongside the decaying corpses of several top union officials. We hold the citizens of the state to no especial blame for their dissatisfaction, knowing as we do that they are only playing a role pushed on them by the currents of history---much as the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah did centuries ago. The New Jerseyans are locked in a dance of depravity and despair, with only their second-place bowling trophies and beauty school degrees to provide them comfort. Not for nothing has their sad little locality earned its unofficial slogan: "All the attitude of New York, but none of the opportunity."

That well-founded fatalism may be why they so brazenly flaunt their image as a place where virtue withers on the vine and sin gets to go backstage at Springsteen. Ask yourself: What other principality would be so bold as to name one of its sports teams, "The Jersey Devils"? Nor should such gestures be taken as merely symbolic. Satan worship is as popular throughout the Garbage State as Skee-ball, and for a very good reason. Our most trusted clerics confirm that the gates of hell are located squarely in Bergen County, making the devil as easy to locate as a White Castle. His GED-bearing minions are in no way absolved by reports that the Evil One occasionally leaves Tenafly and "goes down to Georgia" for some unspecified reason. Some say he makes these infrequent trips when he is looking for a soul to steal, but it is equally probable that he just needs a respite from living in a state where the largest growth industries are furniture liquidation and lung cancer.

- Steve Schneider's (joke) column, purportedly from The Daily Dubaian
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