no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

Crabdip on a cracker!

I'm kind of glad I haven't had time to post to HellJay or much of anywhere else (*wink*) because I've been going through a phase where I can't stand most people and simultaneously realize the futility of that feeling. A few years ago I had a lot of really genuine Rage and Disdain for ppl. I'd been through about a decade of Turd after Turd with no Turducken in sight, and my feelings gradually shut down in stages. My senses of Pain and Anger were dulled, but so were my senses of Joy, Love, Empathy, and other human emotions. It's like when a radiator clogs and the fluid stops flowing through it and has to go and flow somewhere else. If that happens enough times the system will stop working right because all the pressure it was designed for is haywire. Occasionally I had flashes of emo (usually fueled by booze) but I buried it fast. I spent a lot of years burying myself. After 1992, I don't think anybody but my spouse saw the Real Me for a long time. the next time I can remember showing anything of myself was in biz school, when I had a study group I got close to, and of course we were all drinking like fish on JC's company credit card he had left over from Ford. At the end of the quarter, the school forced us into different sections and new groups. We had to get used to working with different people, they said; the usual load of crap, it's not like I (and JC too) hadn't been working in groups for about the past 500 years as enggs, the school wasn't teaching us dick shit but I guess maybe it helped some of the dumbo English majors, haha. <----NEGATIVE ENGG THINK AT ITS FINEST, if it offends you go read kittypix till this post scrolls bye bye, k?


Of course when you get back the feeling of Love as your Y2K prize at the bottom of your surreal box, you also have to take back its ugly littermates of Pain and Fear and Anger, nothing's free, you at least gotta pay the shipping and handling and don't forget the two box bottoms...There was a lot of anger in there waiting to come out and I think after what happened with HehooshallnotbemaimedImeanNamed, it all did, and this heah urinal was borne. Anger is like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you can spread it around really thick and it'll just stay there with maybe a small leak, until you put Pressure on it. Then it's gonna ooze and maybe even EXPLODE out all over the place, till it runs out.

and that is about where I'm at. I've run out of rage at humanity. All I have left is measly annoyance, a little tiny liquidy trickle of peanutty badness, and I can't keep Smashing and Squashing and Forcing it out. I don't want to spend 40 minutes sitting here being mad because X wasn't friendly when I reached out to them and Y bitched me out for no reason and Z just bugs the hell out of me cuz in my opinion they're a stupid waste of protoplasm. There are better things I could be doing with my life. Like folding my socks.

that's about it, except have I mentioned in the last 24 hours how much I love my friends, and how much I deeply appreciate the ppl who, while they maybe don't reach the definition of "friend" in my book (yet), actually bother to be friendly to me without needing to criticize and without splitting the minute I no longer serve their pet porpoises? well, i'm mentioning it now.
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