no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,

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This is one of That times.

staying up late to clean out a cupboard, i just found my jes maharry "grow strong" tree ring in about the last place i would have thought to look for it.

i haven't seen this ring since 2002. i was wearing it every day then, hoping that i would get stronger. i made the mistake of telling someone else about it, someone i was close to at that time. and somewhere in the middle of all the ruckus that later ensued i must have taken the ring off and put it away in this box full of shirt buttons and forgot where i put it. when i came to enough to wonder where the ring had got to, i had no idea really, except i was pretty sure it was somewhere in the house and would turn up later.

i guess now is Later.

the workmanship on this ring is pretty laughable to me at this point. such a simple fat band ring, a beginner could make that. it probably isn't worth whatever the price was that i paid to the catalog. oh well, that's still a nice looking tree.

most likely i did get stronger. like, now i don't want to throw up every time i pass the greyhound station. just once every couple months or so when i haven't gotten sleep.

and now i don't hide so much what i feel. doesn't mean i'm an open book either, just means i try and let a little out sometimes so a pipe doesn't burst. i know i still have a ways to go in that regard. sometimes i envy my friends who trust enough to just open the floodgates and let their highly personal innards spill out. it seems whenever i've done that somebody starts shouting, or gets up and leaves, or starts playing some game. and i refuse to share with nosy people, or with people who expect you to spill your guts as the price of them being your friend. you can't have my guts, i need them all mySELF.

some Times I really want to talk to somebody, but if i can't find one of the four or five Somebodies i trust to shoot the shit about not much of anything, i just let it go by. trust building is a lot of work, i get tired. there isn't a single person i talk to reg'lar who hasn't had the thrill of listening to me say oh i'm too tired to talk anymore, or worse yet bursting into tears and leaving the room. sometimes two or three times in the same convo. blargh, embarrassorama!

sometimes I still miss someone.

"it's so hard to know you'll never talk to people ever again when you know it's better that you don't talk to them anymore, yanno?"

sadly enuf, yes, i do, know.

wot i Don't know is why it still feels shameful for me to make such a post when Everybody i know has posted similar and sometimes twice on Sundays. wotthehell do i think ppl are going to Think? because most of them don't even notice! "You'd worry less about what people thought of you if you knew just how little they did."

at least this ring isn't ruined for me even though it prolly reminds me of Things just as bad as the greyhound station did. i wonder if finding it right now means something is going to happen.

perhaps it does.

perhaps it will.
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