no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,
no.
roses_rejoice

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Two things.

One:
When you spend a long time living in fear of some situation or bad event happening, and then it finally does happen after you thought you'd dodged that bullet, it can be a good thing. Because first, it happened and the pressure's off. Second, you learn that you *can* handle the situation you were most afraid of coping with.

In some cases it feels like God (or the Universe or Fate or Karma or whatever your conception might be) keeps hitting you with the same go-round over and over until you learn to handle it, learn whatever lesson you need to take away from it.

* * *

Two:
I saw on some friendsfriends journal yesterday a meme where you were supposed to gather up the people who you were lying to or hiding your true self from or evading or "cheating" or whatever you call it, Sit them down in a chair and tell them THE BALD UNMITIGATED TRUTH. Cuz it would really be a load offa you. Well OK. I don't have any of those people physically here, I don't want them around and they might even be D-E-D dead. But I can tell them the truth anyway. Here comes nothing:

...You acted erratic, like you were probably addicted to alcohol or some drug, and possibly mentally ill. You couldn't seem to get along with people in a normal manner. You lost the knack for doing what you do. You were in a hole that you couldn't seem to get out of and I didn't want to fall into it. You made me fear for my mental and physical health and the safety of my loved ones. That is why I couldn't have you around, and didn't want to be around you, and didn't want my family or friends around you. I realize it's a disease and that stuff in your life caused you to be that way, but I didn't cause it (although you tried to blame your shit on me more than once), I couldn't control it and I couldn't fix it and I was frankly tired of dealing with it. So you had to go. I'm sorry it didn't work out better, I'm sorry for you, but I'm not sorry I did what I did. I'd do it again.

...You lied about me. You know you did. So why should I want to be friendly? Duh!

...After I grew up I understood that maybe we were just different people, not so compatible, and we both handled things badly. I was ready to set it aside. But instead of being friendly back you just kept being distant and when I did have contact with you, it was always you yelling at somebody, me or somebody else, or hurting someone's feelings. I realize you're very insecure, I realize you have triggers just like everybody else, but taking it out on other people is not cool. Taking it out on me or people I love is ABSOLUTELY not cool. Not keeping promises is definitely uncool. After it happened over and over again, I couldn't forgive anymore. I don't WANT to forgive anymore. I don't even hate you, hate is too strong, it's what I used to feel when I still felt something. I just dislike you and what you've become...I see you as a wadded-up trash wrapper in the dustbin of life, as someone who usually spoils the party or ruins things. It would take too much effort to make you into anything else in my mind. I must say, it's a relief in some senses of the word to finally lay the conflict to rest.

...We all have our idiosyncrasies, things that other people say or do that can really bug us. You showed time and again that you didn't give a shit about mine. So why should I care about your sensitive spots? You expect me to shake it off, well, I expect the same from you. Duh.

...Politeness only goes so far before it becomes fake. You became fake...very fake. You hid all your real parts. Have fun with that. I'm not a fan.

...You left me. After two years of "dating" or whatever you want to call it. Something. We didn't "date", you never actually took me anywhere except the mall once. Which actually didn't bother me that much as I didn't really want to go out anywhere at that point. I had borderline agoraphobia brought on by stress. I had problems then, I know I did, but I was trying. And you just up and left. You didn't know how to handle the situation, so you just never called again. Nice move, asshole. I'm a lot better now, probably better off without you. I guess you noticed that though. Which is why after that first letter you stopped answering again. Double nice move, asshole. I have to admit that you did me a lot of good which is the only reason you are on this list. Cuz aside from that you are a footnote in my life. And the fact that I can still chuckle when I think that you would say "But a LOOOOOOONG footnote, right?" or something like that makes me mad and sad that we can't still be friends. you're about the only one of my exes I would even want to bother being friendly with. I'll give you that.

...I know we only were close friends for a few months, but you did the absolute worst thing to me you possibly could have done when you cancelled getting together the day after I experienced a significant death. That's what people did to me back when, left me alone. It was horribly destructive. I'm still angry. I still hate you and all you came out of, all you represent. I don't know if I will ever get over that hate because the love I felt for you was so real. If I hadn't really loved you, if it was just a compatibility thing or a relationship in my head, I would not feel this way, but it was more than that and you know it and I know it. You took something wonderful and wrecked it in the course of a couple of weeks and that won't happen again for me. So yeah, I still hate you, I still am angry, I hold back about once a week from reminding you how angry I am, because I know you stopped listening long ago. I didn't deserve any of what happened so I just filed it under When Bad Things Happen to Good Penguins and moved on. Thank God for my friends is all I can say, and I will name them: Hedgie, d, Mr. 0, Milhouse, neb, Josh, tommy, nik, the invisible claytr0n, even that odd Hollywood person who was only around for a time but it did me some good, and all youse who were kind enough not to stop talking to me just because I deleted the blog a bunch of times or was too "cryptic" or too "negative" or whatever because, having allowed myself to feel something, I got myself so upset.

...And for anyone who thinks I rehash ancient history too much, buy too much stuff, or wants to have some other problem with me, don't think I don't notice when you're being nasty and you can fly straight to hell and stay there. Permanently. maybe I'll see you There but at least I won't be having to see you anymore Here.


Hmmm. I do feel better. Breakfast?
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