no. (roses_rejoice) wrote,
no.
roses_rejoice

Limited Time Offers and Tough Cookies.

I have been worried because TC (no not Top Cat, tha dude in the pokey) hadn't written in a month. He had been having some pretty heavy personal shit come down on top of the already heavy personal shit called In Car Sir Ration, so I was afraid he had landed up in hospital or something. On the other hand, he has an appeal pending and I was thinking maybe he done got out and went on his merry way forgetting abt me, as I used to rite him sumtimes when he was Out but not saying much cuz his life was wack and I knew he didn't have the patience/ brainspace to write me back. I'd just send jokes and stuff like that, keep it concise. I remember he did try calling me once on a New Years - given my Mad Fone Skillz with ppl I barely know (hah) that went over like a lead (not Led) zeppelin. The whole fone call lasted abt two minnits and a half. Me = no gud at zee fone wit strangers. Shortly after that he met the womang he is still more or less With and didn't rilly need ppl to talk to. That last line means just wot it sez. "Talk to" is not a euphemism for " have relationship with" or "potentially screw". I feel like I have to make the distinction thanks to at least two and possibly more fuck0s who equate caring about someone with bone-jumping or else their partners equate it with such and they go along with it. Just in case I had said something Untoward, I went back through the drafts of my old letters to the guy (most of which are saved to the PC, a couple aren't cuz I rote 'em in longhand but that was months ago) and didn't see anything amiss, so I was hoping he wasn't mad at me for some offense I didn't realize I committed, like breathing.

As it turns out (he now says) he simply forgot to mail his response to the letter from last month, which he enclosed with a new one, and then sent a whole 'nother second one in a different envelope. I read the whole 'nother second one first and had to stop there because I started to cry at my desk. It was basically a page thanking me for my friendship and other emo mush like that. Don't get me wrong it was NOT romantic (thank fuck, I don't have words for how much I hate that shit since the last go-round with some ass a few years back). It was just basic humanity and heartfelt nice words and concern for my health. It made me bawl because (a) somebody actually gives a shit and says so for a change and (b) I feel guilty like I am taking advantage of some poor isolated sap in prison to make me feel better like someone cares and (c) I better not get too used to it cuz one day he'll get out (which is the desirable outcome, friends don't want friends to stay in prison unless it's Hannibal Lecter, who tc is not) and not have time for more than a Hello every four or six months, or a Xmas card. And maybe that is ok. Maybe I just need to get more used to that "Reason-Season-Lifetime" crap...naw, fuck that shit! I'm not interested in Rent-a-Friends. And I don't want to be thrown away anymore, or outgrown, or sent to the Friends Goodwill Store when somebody finds something/someone better to do or has sucked all the potential mercenary advantage out of being with me.

Thinking you are Important to someone and then being informed via words or actions that, uh, no, you are Not That Important, in fact you are rather down the Importancy Totem Pole - Well, that blows, aint no 'bout a' doubt it. Being leeched off by people having life difficulties who need constant support when and how They need it but then drop the ball on Your needs blows too. I regularly fear getting into these situations again, I know in some ways I can be too nice and a sucker. It's embarrassing. The only reason I feel up to posting public abt it is someone on my f-list here recently went through a similar experience and I know it hurt and I wish I could do something to help but I know I can't. You gotta walk that valley of pain alone, esp if you're someone who normally holds back from getting 2 close to ppl, and you finalluy let your guard down, and it was the Wrong person and a Bad move on your part, so on top of feeling hurt from a lost person, you get to feel like a stupid ass for leaving yourself wide open like that and not Knowing Better.

Eh with all this shite I'm still glad he rote wot he did. I will try and hold onto the good parts this time. Maybe, just maybe, there won't be any bad parts. One can only hope. And if someone wants to laugh at me for this, or feel superior and call me pathetic, or tell me I manage my friendships all wrong, they can Be my Fuckin' Guest and then Go Die. The world doesn't need to know all my business, but the world needs to know and is gonna hear that I have pain and uncertainty too sometimes, and it's just as goddamned valid as all the fux out there whinging cuz someone called 'em a name on the big bad i-net, or someone divorced 'em, or someone didn't appreciate 'em, or someone made a joke that didn't sit right. This is my life and my feelings, they're just as fly and just as important as everybody else's, and the critics and the hecklers and the Too Much Drama Squad can shove this post sideways up their fat ass. I know TC would approve this message.
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