I was supposed to be eating lunch with some lawdude but he begged off at the last minute so I went by myself. I almost never eat lunch out unless it's fo' bizness but I was tired of the same ol' slop from the caf next door so I stomped halfway up the hill to this little hole-in-the-wall French place to chow through asscargot, duck liver pate with dijon salad, and hot chocolate with peppermint Schnapps. This sounds a lot fancier than it actually is because the place is super informal and you can get stuff like the above for six or seven bucks a plate. During the first half of my chow time I entertained myself eavesdropping on some lawyers sitting nearby, one of whom had just lost a case in the Seventh Circuit and had a constitutional argument that he was SURE would win if it ever got to the Supreme Court which he insisted was a distinct possibility. Unfortunately just as I was coming to the end of my pate, two twittery Beeyotches who Lunch came in and plopped their sweatered butts into the seats between me and the lawyers and drowned out all the good convo with an animated (as in, VoICes going Up and DOwN in PiTCh REaLLY ANNOYINGLY LIKE IT'S A VERY exciting converSAtion OH my!!) discussion of their Thanksgivings. A sample went something like "OH i only HAD a FEW PEOPLE, i USED to have 21 BUT that was AT my OTHER place, ALL those CARD tables to SET UP, and I didNT do STUFFING because I have this 'thing' about sticking my HAND in the CAVITY and EVERYBODY knows it and TEASES me."
AHEM...LADY...THE GUY NEXT TO YOU IS GOING TO THE SUPREME COURT, AND YOU ARE SITTING HERE WHINING ABOUT HOW YOU CAN'T BEAR TO STICK YOUR HAND UP A DEAD TURKEY'S BUTT. I BET YOUR HAND HAS BEEN MORE "INTERESTING" PLACES IN ITS DAY...AS HAS MINE...SO JUST PUT A CORK IN IT OK?
The other woman then said, "Turkey balls!" and I about dropped my fork thinking the convo was gonna head down the road of Turkey Genitals in General (a short hop skip and jump from The Cavity of DOOOOOOOOM) and cooking 'em up for the holidays (I was picturing the balls of many turkeys made into some sort of kjotboller in a cream sauce, served on little crackers), but Noooooo, turns out that "Turkey Balls" are some dumb recipe that Rachel Ray, bless her heart, dreamed up to make individual lumps of turkey and stuffing for each of your guests and not have to carve, or some such rot.
Fortunately I finished and left before these addlepated old bimbos' food came. Because I could just tell they were the type who were going to take a forkful of their Zucchini Pie and put it in their mouth and start making noises like MMmmmmMMMMMMM! with their mouth full, and when people do that I have to physically restrain myself from getting up, taking their plate of food and SHOVING IT UP THEIR NOSE. You can see why I usually just eat take-out salad at my desk. It's safer for the rest of the world.